My beloved finally came home.
One day. That’s precisely how long we lasted before beer entered the equation. Just 24 hours and it was off to the races. How the hell did it even happen? This wasn’t the plan– far from it. Neither one of us is to blame yet we are both at fault. I felt so helpless as I watched things spiral out of control, descending into madness. Cunning. Baffling. Powerful.
How I managed to slam on the brakes before derailing completely can only be attributed to a power greater than myself. A temporary bout of insanity reaffirmed my commitment to sobriety. I picked up a white chip, accepted the bump in the road, and forged ahead on my journey. Yet he chose a different path.
His story is not mine to tell. But it is no secret he struggles so I don’t feel as though I am violating his privacy or dropping a potentially damaging bombshell. It hurts seeing the man I love so deeply in such crisis. He’s a good person with a bad sickness.
Given the precariousness of my own situation I cannot risk being around him. We parted ways. I mean that in physical sense…emotionally we’re on hiatus. I refuse to drag myself down to save somebody else. Nobody or nothing will jeopardize my sobriety. I will fight for it tooth and nail because it is literally a life or death situation for me.
Every ounce of my being hopes this separation does not become permanent. I know he has lost the power of choice with his alcoholism– but help awaits if and when he chooses to receive it. There is nothing I want more than for us to live our lives together, sober and happy, just as we planned. We’ve done it before. We can do it again.
My heart feels like it has been ripped out of my chest. I’m a fish out of water. And those are very mild descriptions. It’s almost too painful to discuss. So I’m living in a state of denial and pretending this isn’t happening. Which is exactly what I need to do until I am better equipped to deal with this situation.
Do not be so ignorant and offensive as to insult the man I love or give me any variation of ‘I told you so.’ Pray for him. Keep him and all the other sick and suffering individuals in your thoughts.
With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,