“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”
How’s that for a cliché breakup quote? Several days ago my significant other and I parted ways. In an highly atypical move I spoke very little of it on this blog. Various factors contributed to that decision– primarily the lack of time to explore the issue with the depth it deserved– but after two months The Ex and I changed our mutual statuses to single. Who initiated the au revoir process is irrelevant.
I cannot sing their praises enough. Our relationship was unlike anything I’d ever experienced…and The Ex dealt with this transition [along with my uncertainty and apprehension] with understanding, grace, and more patience than I’ve ever seen. You will never hear me utter a negative word about this person; I have nothing but care and the utmost respect for them. Because of The Ex I started to love myself again and realize that I was worthy of such love. Because of The Ex I gained confidence in myself and my abilities. Because of The Ex I learned that my past does not define me. From our first date in November until our last encounter Monday night I knew unequivocally I was with an individual who believed in my capabilities and offered unconditional support– showing maturity, compassion, wisdom, and grace in the face of unruly children and chaotic schedules. I will forever cherish our time together and all it taught me. Fate united us for a reason…
One mistake I must take accountability for, however, falls squarely on my shoulders. Suffice it to say the situation probably upset The Ex but I’ll spare you the details. While I don’t seek to minimize anyone’s pain– it really sucks knowing I’m directly responsible for somebody else hurting– at the end of the day I know it is my life directly impacted by any consequences that arose from the incident.
I’ll stop speaking in vague riddles now: there was no knock-down-drag-out fight, no infidelity issues, or anything else scandalous. Only time will tell but I sincerely hope a wonderful friendship will resume once feelings settle. This loss would be tremendously upsetting if I did not eventually gain a friend from it. I won’t push the issue and let the cards fall as they may.
Speaking of friends….incredible people tend to have incredible mates. The Ex proved no exception. Ostensibly I shared very little common traits with the core group yet I always enjoyed their company. I found myself exposed to all sorts of new things and folks I probably wouldn’t cross paths with otherwise. Never would I pursue a deep friendship with somebody close to The Ex or try and insert myself into that particular group, but what’s the protocol for that sort of thing? I’m lucky in the sense that I came fully equipped with my own amigos and this split didn’t send an awkward schism between a deeply established group. Yet I still don’t know how to proceed. It seems juvenile to me to ‘unfriend’ someone on my end. Two mutuals removed me, which is fine and understandable, but that’s not my style. We’re all adults here. Then again, I’m probably reading way too much into it considering I barely know any of these folks.
I debated at length whether to write about a exchange The Ex’s friend. She contacted me via Facebook and gave me a piece of her mind. Initially I chuckled [“so this is what they think of me!”] and felt relieved that I didn’t have to explain ‘my side’ of things. My brief and cordial reply left no room for a response. Thankfully I spoke before I got angry….the anger came shortly thereafter…and thankfully it quickly subsided. Seeing as how I am one of the most loyal people in the history of humanity, I understand better than anyone the need to protect your friends. How can I fault her for that? She saw a friend hurting and she reacted. It’s a gut level instinct and I commend her for it. Changing my opinion on her statements I found offensive came much easier after I identified our common bond. Not having knowledge of certain concepts doesn’t make you ‘ignorant,’ as I quickly judged her. She simply doesn’t know. And I can’t get upset with a person just because they’re not familiar with concepts that are second nature in my world. Shame on me.
Now I realize how misunderstood my kind is amongst society. You see, I’m involved with a fellowship of individuals trying to better themselves. Such improvements literally are a life or death issue for us– daily diligence and constant vigilance required– and the foe we fight is cunning, baffling, and powerful. No matter how many people like me somebody has in their life and how close they are to them it is not the same as understanding my battle. Granted, they’ve endured their own struggle but it is not mine. One can only understand me so much if they aren’t waging a comparable war. Even with the best of intentions.
Despite millions of like kind, both in and out of the fellowship, in many ways I feel ostracized and alienated from ‘mainstream’ society. Especially when it comes to human interaction. Especially when it comes to human interaction of the romantic variety. Hypocritical and unfair as this may sound if my relationship prospects are doomed to the rooms of recovery I’d rather not date. Ever. But I digress….
The Bottom Line: I COME FIRST.
Two jobs, no car, single mother of two, working my program, pursuing my writing….I’m absolutely swamped. Saying I have a lot on my plate is a gross understatement. My plates juggle plates. I barely squeeze in my current obligations, much less find time for leisure. Bringing another person into my madness isn’t fair to either one of us. That old adage about carving out time for somebody despite the chaos of busy schedules? Bullshit. With unlimited funds at your disposal and a host of willing childcare providers, maybe. Not for me. Booked to capacity, Sloane is.
Leaving the house for the rare social event requires an act of Congress. Quite frankly, it’s usually not worth the hassle. Nor do I want people [save a few of my closest friends] invading my living space. So it’s a bit of a mystery how we’d interact in the highly unlikely circumstance I’d find myself with surplus hours in the day.
STRESS IS MY ARCH NEMESIS. After the kids go to bed, why would I want to do anything except unwind and relax?! That is my precious time– I’m selfish and I refuse to share it. All I want to do is take baths, read, write, blog, and watch Netflix. So that’s exactly what I’ll do during the vast majority of those hours. Additionally, my weekends are spent with my children. Unless it’s an extremely special occasion I won’t be pawning my kids off to go hang solo with an adult.
In addition to putting myself first [the good] and/or being exceedingly selfish [the bad] I am a woman who seeks instant gratification [the ugly]. I want what I want and I want it now. When I desire something, it will be mine, consequences be damned– not surprisingly while pursuing instant gratification I frequently disregard my intuition. Just because I want something doesn’t mean I’m ready for it. I need to slow the eff down and stop manipulating the events of the universe.
The best things in life are worth the wait….when the time is right people, places, and opportunities fall into place. Don’t rush.
With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,