Saturday evening I agreed to meet a male suitor at Macaroni Grill after work. D works as a supply chain manager for Auto Zone. It was our first date– and also a first for me in the sense that I barely knew him. Not that I ‘know’ any of these people I ‘meet’ online but I try to at least establish a friendship over the computer first and then move it to the phone. Why am I speaking as if I have some sort of rigorous protocol for matters such as these? Considering this is only the second fishy I’ve ever had face time with I’m not exactly an expert.
So how was it? In a word: awkward. My Kristen Stewart social ineptness came out full force. I blurted out a disgusting story involving my son’s poop that was so not appropriate for the dinner table. I spent significant time eavesdropping on the folks next to us, people watching, and staring off into space. I introduced D to two of my coworkers who just so happened to be eating there as well. The awkwardness was almost tangible.
Don’t get me wrong– he was a very nice guy and a total gentleman. But I was seriously questioning our compatibility, especially after he noticed my 45,565,987 tattoos. I cracked a lame joke about being Kat Von D in my past life [minus the part that involves sleeping with Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband] and said that tattoos were weakness. He said they weren’t his thing. Awkward silence. I excused myself to go to the bathroom. Once in the restroom I learned what to do if I was in Italy and had a hankering for dessert. Gelato beats tiramisu according to Signore Voice. In the future I should just next anyone who doesn’t have a voice like Morgan Freeman or the Italian instructor in the stanza da bagno at Macaroni Grill.
D and I joked about our mutual awkwardness and he was kind enough to take me home after he paid for my dinner. I figured I’d never hear from him again. Imagine my surprise when he texted me today and told me I was “adorable” and he wanted to take me out again. Say what?!
With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,