My Christmas tree remains standing, fully decorated with presents unopened. It will not come down until Adam comes home. Whenever that may be….
Nothing says ‘welcome home’ like my internet from Charter not connecting. Praise God for my new iPhone [thank you, Mom & Dad, for your loyal patronage to AT&T that enabled this 99 cent purchase!] so I have an outlet for all that’s on my mind. My thoughts are so jumbled I don’t even know where to begin.
Yesterday at noon I boarded a plane in Memphis. After stops in Houston and San Francisco [worthy of its own post] I finally arrived in San Luis Obispo. Upon walking into my apartment everything felt surreal. Like some sort of deja vu time warp. I always imagined this moment as Adam eagerly flinging the door open and skipping into the living room as I bring a swaddled Tatum into our cozy home. Instead, my infant daughter is 2500 miles away, the state has custody of my son, and I am more alone than I’ve ever been.
The overwhelming pain of losing one child to the system is surpassed only by losing two children to the system. I had to sacrifice my son to save my daughter. Can you even imagine such an impossible, heartbreaking choice? I must save my strength to keep fighting for Adam. Tatum is safe, that thought so comforts me. Yet we are in three separate households and that is unacceptable. As a mother this is absolute agony. Here I am without either Adam or Tatum. One is five minutes away, the other on the opposite side of the country, but both feel beyond my reach. Pictures and phone calls barely sustain me.
God, hear my prayers. Give Adam comfort as his confused mind does not understand my absence. Let Tatum continue to flourish…despite me leaving her merely three weeks after her birth. Help Mom & Dad continue to provide her with the best possible care. Allow me the strength, courage, and faith to navigate the nightmare. Please reunite my family soon.
It should come as no surprise that the organization who shall not be named is punishing me for my decision to protect Tatum…they are dangling the threat of starting the parenting plan all over again. How much more can they destroy our family? Will this ever end? All I want to do now is resume work at the church, get a second job in retail, continue to advocate for my family– and be the best absentee mom I can possibly be.
Even if I could type a million words a minute I wouldn’t come close to saying everything that needs to be said. There are so many people in both Memphis and California I need to thank– Mom & Dad, Brandi, and Theresa especially though that’s just the short list– but that will be a joyous entry created when I have full laptop capabilities.
For now I sit in an apartment far too big for me. Alone. Completely alone. All of the company in the world couldn’t fill the void in my heart. I would do anything for my kids to be in my arms. Adam and Tatum, Mommy loves you so much.
With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,