Last night my heart broke all over again. How I even have a heart left to break is beyond me. I know I must forge ahead and be strong for my children, yet it’s so unbelievably difficult knowing what’s in store these next few weeks. Heartbroken doesn’t even scratch the surface of the reality that I’ll be boarding a plane and flying 2000 miles away from my newborn daughter to return to California where I’m allowed to visit my son only once a week with a supervisor. Never in a million years would I even consider relocating until Adam was freed from this depraved system. Never in a million years would I endanger Tatum’s safety by bringing her out west. Never in a million years would I ever have expected my ‘marriage revival’ to go so horribly astray.
When Adam called me last night he raved about his new bike. Due to a misunderstanding at the women’s shelter [who generously gifted Adam with a bike], he received the wrong one, which is way too large for him. His cousin slapped some training wheels on it and it’s working for the time being. Adam also expressed his joy at his upcoming fourth birthday and the party we were planning. “It’s just for me?!” he asked. Before I could even detect a slight note of jealousy for his new sibling the next words out of his mouth were “Will my sister be at my birthday party?! She’s so beautiful.” I choked back the tears. He heard Tatum hiccuping and got really excited, asking tons of questions. On the phone it warmed my heart. As soon as we hung up I bawled my eyes out as I clutched Tatum to my chest. Once the tears subsided I was left with nothing but my anger.
Tatum truly is a gift from above. Discovering the tiny life within my belly was….unexpected…though I never considered for a second any alternative except giving Adam a sibling. Now I know why I gave birth in February 2012– so this dark maze I walk can be illuminated until I find the exit. It cannot come soon enough.
People have expressed their sadness, anger, grief, frustration, and concern for me. While I appreciate their commiserations, this isn’t about me, and never has been. I use my internet space to speak from my perspective but don’t be fooled: I do this only to distract myself from the reality of Adam’s situation. My poor, poor child. His heartbreak, confusion, loneliness….I can’t. I just can’t. The thoughts of what this has done to him consume me. Writing about it would force me to look at the words and be confronted with an ugly reality I can’t even begin to face.
Out of respect for my mother I’m not going to speak of an appalling incident that happened this afternoon. Trust me– this is something that needs to be heard– but I’m not the one who makes that decision. I don’t mention this to pique anyone’s curiosity for something that won’t be revealed. I do reference this as a reminder that deplorable behavior does not go unnoticed.
How I react to this ordeal is entirely my decision….or how I react publicly and on this blog, at the very least. From this point forward I refuse to mention CPS. They won’t be called out by name or called out at all for that matter. It’s enough that they’ve ruined countless lives these past few months and I’m not giving them anymore of my time.
With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,