Have warrant. Need transportation.

Adam's fine motor skills far surpass mine but I'm trying to draw your attention to the red text within the scribble.

Sometimes my widdle feewings get hurt when I think about how my good name has been dragged through the mud in light of recent events….despite what CPS wants to believe I am not the most despicable human being that has ever walked the planet.  It HURTS when your child is a traumatized victim and very few people [none of them government officials] care.  It HURTS when people tell you repeatedly to your face that they refuse to do their job and investigate.  It HURTS having your family destroyed.  I’m tough as nails and mad as hell [perfect title for a country song if it’s not one already] but I do have feelings.

Would you find it in your hearts to forgive me if I shared a prime example of me being really immature?  Every few days I get on the Shelby County [Memphis] warrant lookup website and type in Will’s name.  His active warrant pops up and I check the dazzling mugshot to verify his identity.  This has been a part of my routine for quite sometime now.

I don’t know if it’s new or I simply overlooked it.  The text I’ve circled says:  “Should you locate yourself in our warrant database, you may contact the office and make arrangements to surrender.  If you don’t have transportation, we will assist you in this matter.”  Am I the only one who finds that hysterical? 

First of all, it says ‘may’ instead of ‘should.’  I like the way they give you an option.  You don’t have to surrender– they’ll find you either way– but that option is on the table if you want it.  Then there’s the actual surrender.  I’ve never been arrested or had any warrants but I can’t imagine wanted fugitives are chomping at the bit to line up and turn themselves into authorities.  Not that I’d ever advocate running from the law….but it warms my soul to think of a dangerous felon reading that sentence, having a change of heart, and deciding to mosey on down to 201 instead of stealing somebody’s car at gunpoint, fleeing the state, and living a pitiful secret existence on the lam.

Hands down, the last sentence is the best.  How exactly do they assist you with ‘transportation’ issues?  A MATA pass?  A police convoy sent to your residence?  I would pay money to hear a recorded phone conversation on the local news from a criminal wanting to turn themselves in….and proceeding to ask for help with transportation.  That would totally make my week.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

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About Cocktails With Hemingway

I'm blunt and opinionated. Virtually everything I say or do is a contradiction but I'm not a hypocrite. I never hesitate to speak my mind and never fail to leave an impression wherever I go. You love me, you hate me, but you'll never forget me.
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