Tomorrow I desperately need to play catch up with my ’30 Days of Thanksgiving.’ In my current state of sadness, anxiety, and stress it’s crucial to remain focused on the positive and be thankful for my blessings. The dual combination of no psychiatric help and a pregnancy entering its third trimester is taking its toll on me.
[[ Because I am hyper aware of everything I post on here let me say that ‘psychiatric help’ refers to therapists/counseling and my usual antidepressant and anxiety medications. I’m not crazy or mentally ill…at least that’s the concensus reached by all of my personalities. ]]
I expect to hear tomorrow about the final verdict regarding my apartment– and hopefully a move-in date within a matter of days. Until this morning I did not know the complex had an additional form they requested from my social worker. As luck would have it she’s out of the office on Tuesdays but she’s always prompt and efficient so I’m thrilled to enter the home stretch of the application process!
During my lunch today, S, my wonderful housing worker treated me to a large bowl of homemade tomato soup at Cider Creek Bakery. I signed the paperwork that officially admits me into the program. She’ll be paying my deposit in full….isn’t that fantastic?! I cannot wait to tell you more about this lifesavi ng program once I get settled.
I’m undergoing a sort of internal struggle about what I write on Cocktails With Hemingway. To think that one of my coworkers follows this blog is such an exciting thought. I’m sure it’s not difficult to find and others may have seen it as well. Everyone at my job appreciates my aspirations as a writer and the freelance work I do– and the reviews for my writings [including this blog] have been wonderful. It’s so difficult for me to censor myself on the internet yet I feel it is in the best interests of my professional repuation and my character in general. You’ve lost your ever loving mind, however, if you think this site will be devoid of controversy. I’ll always push the envelope, stay true to myself, and speak my mind. It’s just that these things will be done in a way that reflects the profound love and respect of the church I represent and portrays me as the adult I am, a woman with strong morals and convictions, who understands the value of discretion and realizes that sometimes less truly is more.
With that being said, I am extremely upset with Will. I could sit here and talk for hours on end about all the negative emotions I feel and be justified in doing so. But there is one thing he he has said since this entire ordeal began– and continues to say through third parties– that kills me. He constantly references this “game” in which we’re involved.
To reduce so much ugliness and dismiss all that our son has endured as a ‘game’ makes me ill. There are no winners here…and the biggest loser is Adam. This is all so very serious. Will is acting as if the ‘objective’ here is whichever parent can make their ‘opponent’ look the worst. It’s truly heartbreaking. I could care less [of course it bothers me but my priority is mothering my children] about mudslinging and attempted character assassination, insults and intimidation, and other less than pleasant aspects of human behavior. What I care about is Adam and his best interests, his safety and stability. That’s the only thing anyone should care about, not ‘winning’ or ‘losing,’ and going to extreme lengths to ‘play’ dirty.
Still I cannot help but think of what could have been. MY dreams [minus the nightmare] are coming true in California…subtracting an adult member from our family of four. I have a job I love, my son’s in a school he loves, and I am about to move into my own apartment with my kids while saving for a car in my name. All that is missing from this equation is my husband and everything he was supposed to provide: love, support, protection, parental guidance, an extra pair of hands, a second income, and so much more.
For the first time in my life I am entirely alone with the single mother label. Millions of women [and plenty of men] are the only parent in their family home. I am not unique in my predicament– and I have done the solo mommy thing before– but never 2000+ miles away from my parents, the vast majority of my family, and my best friends. One child is difficult enough when you don’t have the luxury of both parents in the home, two kids will be infinitely more difficult. How I miss my support system.
I know I can do it though. Challenges build character and make you that much stronger. It’s not the life I would have preferred for any of us but our bond will be unbreakable, my son and daughter and me.
Some people ask if I miss Will. Yes and no. I sure as hell don’t miss California Will, that person is a stranger to me. I miss the friend I used to have, the father of my children, the person who was my co-pilot in life. In all honesty it’s having help that I miss the most.
Romantic love is not something that has ever ranked high in my world– all my exes can attest to this. I’m too independent and focused on my own passions and ambitions. After giving so much of myself to my children I want to be selfish with the Sloane that is left over….not surprisingly I am always critcized by my partners for being ‘distant,’ ‘self-absorbed,’ and ‘not giving enough attention’ to them. So no, I’m not missing Will in the sense that I’m longing for companionship or pining away for my next boyfriend….it’s always nice to relish in my freedom and independence with no apologies.
Can you believe I type all of this on my phone? My Christmas present to myself, a new laptop, will make a world of difference. Come pay day I’m heading to Walmart to put one on layaway. Ah the lifestyles of the rich and the famous. 😉
With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,