My darling Adam,
Eight years ago you left me so unexpectedly. Has it really been that long? Almost a decade….god, I wish I had more to show for it, though I know I have accomplished so much and you would be proud. More often than not I feel as though I am stuck in limbo, present but not really here. I’m content with my life but nowhere near where I envisioned myself at this point in time. It never gets any easier. Time doesn’t heal all wounds but I suppose it offers a coping mechanism as you learn to go through the motions of existing without a piece of your heart.
Loving me is no easy task. You were the first– and the last– to experience me in my purest form. After you left I became bitter, angry, cynical, and lost. My innocence died when you did. I find myself comparing everyone to you, be it a friend, lover, or coworker. Far too many people in this world are forgettable and unoriginal. Adam Sontag, you were 110% unique. There will never be anyone like you.
While I’m not religious and my thoughts regarding an afterlife vacillate daily, it comforts me to think that you can see me and are paying attention. So if that’s the case you know between my pregnancy, the lack of justice for Caylee Anthony, and my general state of mind I’m not feeling my best. However, this year has been monumental for me in the sense that I finally stopped blaming myself for your loss. For the longest time I found every reason I could to make this tragedy my fault, mainly because I demanded you visit me for summer school. And this year I let it go.
Today your mom left a comment on Facebook: “I know he loved you so much. The first time I saw you with him was when you came to Arkansas and he was so happy.” It breaks my heart that was the only family event we did with your side. Because we were slated to have world’s longest engagement [a ring and proposal before college and a wedding after graduation] I assumed we’d have plenty of time in the future. Time just wasn’t on our side.
So many people miss you. Me. Your family and mine. Our parents. All of our friends. And especially your little brothers. They’re not boys anymore, but men. I know you’re proud of them…..they miss you terribly. Everything happens for a reason? Yeah right. We’re still waiting for that one. Life can be so cruel and unfair.
I love you, Adam. Please understand why this was the first summer I was unable to visit your grave. Every day I look at your pictures and smile. You gave me some of the best times of my life and it is an honor for my firstborn to be your namesake. It is my greatest hope that we’ll cross paths again when I leave this planet because I’d want nothing more than to see that wonderful smile and be greeted with a hug and a ‘hey baby.’
With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,