Devastation

12 Mar 2012 1 Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in Adam, Anger, Disappointment, Divorce, Drugs, Family, Grief, Heartbreak, Outrage, Parenting, Single mama, Tatum, Upset, Will Reed

DISCLAIMER:  Mentioning Will in Cocktails With Hemingway exacerbates an already precarious situation.  How do I tread that fine line?  Appearing ‘too soft’ on him sends the message that I’m making excuses for his deplorable behavior or leaving the door open for a reconciliation of some sorts.  Both of these are completely false.  Conversely, if I drag his name through the mud, I am no better than him.  My refusal to lower myself to that sort of behavior speaks volumes about my integrity.  Not only is it counterproductive to launch a character assassination on him but it detracts focus from what is most important– bringing Adam home.  I work diligently to keep Will from dominating  my posts..  Let me be the first to tell you how difficult that is.  I could easily create a blog devoted solely to my estranged husband– there’s no shortage of overwhelmingly negative emotions– yet I can no longer suppress my feelings.

One of our few family photos: Adam's 3rd birthday.

Last week I discovered Will took a one-way Greyhound to San Diego where he is now living with ‘friends.’  He blew off a visit with Adam, gave the Salvation Army some sob story to obtain his ticket, and told the CPS worker he was turning himself into jail.  Nobody’s heard from him since.

Thanks to Facebook, the entire world can see that Will did indeed arrive safely in San Diego.  His default picture shows him highly intoxicated and the images and statuses he post reference alcohol and partying.  I’m not surprised.  Not even the brazen nature of his virtual display shocks me.  What I wasn’t expecting was for him to leave the county to engage in such debauchery.  By doing so he effectively threw in the towel when it comes to the court battle for Adam, abandoning him completely with his decision to leave.  And I doubt he’ll ever come back.

My heart’s not broken, at least not in the traditional sense.  It is our precious children who have the broken hearts.  I attempt to absorb their pain fully so they never have to feel it.  These are not my tears I cry, they are Adam’s and Tatum’s.  The thought of our innocent kids being hurt– by their own parent nonetheless– fills me with an overwhelming despair.

My cousin's wedding in spring '11

How can anyone abandon their children?  These past few weeks I’ve spent away from Adam– sacrificing one child to save another– have been hell on earth without my baby boy.  Despite all the joy surrounding Tatum’s birth and first three weeks of life, I was acutely aware of every second of Adam’s very conspicuous absence.  Abandoning a traumatized, sad, confused, angry, child to travel 200 miles north to pursue partying?  Deplorable doesn’t even begin to describe it.

Knowing that my son’s not being visited by either of his parents during this time is heartbreaking.  My rage towards Will is completely justifiable but I won’t allow it to consume me.  How dare he?  After this awful nightmare he created, he suddenly jumps ship leaving me in the wake of  his destruction.  Adam and Tatum are not pawns and this is not a game.    

He didn’t even bother to call his Aunt regarding Tatum’s birth.  That’s one memory I’ll never share with her.  Does he somehow cope by pretending she doesn’t exist?

Gone are the days of ‘justifying’ his poor parenting behavior with his addiction to drugs and alcohol because I don’t feel sorry for him anymore.  He is an addict who needs serious, long-term rehabilitation yet refuses it.  What more can anyone do?  People on both sides of the family have done everything in their power to get him into treatment.  We can only do so much.  You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. 

My first pregnancy was filled with glee.

Never again will I make the mistake that cost me my son:  no third chance exists for Will.  He’s a con artist who weaseled his way back into our lives and I was foolish enough to believe his empty promises.  As if opening the door to the chaos that is Will wasn’t enough….I stupidly followed him across the county upon discovering I was pregnant….leaving behind everything I knew and everyone I loved.  Even worse, I let a two week window where I could have left California with Adam lapse because Will begged and pleaded for the chance to “be civil adults who are close friends and co-parents.”  I have no one to blame except myself for these egregious errors and I profoundly regret them every day. 

Monumental are the ways in which this entire family– and especially Adam– have been ruined by Will.  Past damage is irreversible yet the future lies in my hands.  I will not allow him to infiltrate our lives again.  Will and I will never ‘co-parent;’ there’s no possible way for us to be friends or even communicate; I’m renewing the order of protection after December 2014; our divorce is pending; child support will be paid for Tatum, eventually, Adam too; he doesn’t deserve my forgiveness; I don’t have an ounce of pity for him; I’ve stopped trying to understand him; and I finally understand that the father of my children will never be Daddy or my loving husband.  Case closed.  Time to pick up the pieces and rebuild our lives.  We deserve better.

Earlier I spoke of my overwhelming despair.  Now I must make it my mission to seek its antithesis– hope.  Three words best define my little family:  love, strength, and resiliency.  The Reeds are surrounded by love.  My faith is unshakable and my own strength never ceases to amaze me.  Even my children, with less than five years between them, consistently demonstrate how strong they are too.  Our resilience ensures not only our capacity to survive, but to thrive.  It is an honor to be Mommy, Daddy, and everything in between to Adam and Tatum.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

I don’t feel strong

29 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in Adam, Cocktails With Hemingway, Da Real Homiez, Heartbreak, Megan Childers- favorite roomie, Tatum, Will Reed

“The strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws.” ~ Barbara Kingsolver

She's the spitting image of her brother.

My heart can only take so much.  I try my best to refrain from speaking of Will on this blog.  Respect for my children, reluctance to express any thoughts about him for fear my words will be misconstrued in a way that negatively affects my situation, recognizing that I’m not the only person impacted by his actions….there are countless reasons for this decision.  But when I heard that he did not attend his visit with Adam this week I felt as though I’d been sucker punched.  I cried until there were no more tears left.  Especially with my absence, I relied on these visits to remind Adam that his parents did not just disappear.  I’m so torn up I can’t even discuss all of the awful possibilities that went through my head or talk about it anymore at all.  Please pray for my little boy.

Bonus points for having my favorite roomie and my favorite daughter in one picture.

Thank you, Megan, for coming by to see us this evening.  It’s been over a year since I last saw her in person so it was particularly meaningful getting to spend some quality time catching up on things.  Megan and I have been close since junior high– I can count the number of friendships I have from that era on one hand– and it’s so comforting to be around people who knew you when your biggest worry in life was being grounded from a group movie date.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

Namesakes

13 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in * R. i. P. *, Adam, Adam Sontag, Tatum, Tatum O'Neal, Will Reed

What’s in a name?  The ability to choose what I will call my children for the rest of their lives is a both a tremendous responsibility and a fulfilling opportunity.  I want their names to be poignant and meaningful, not something randomly selected from a baby book with thousands of choices.  Most of you who know me personally are very aware of the reasoning behind the monikers given to my kids, yet for those of you who are unfamiliar, it is my pleasure to share them with you.

Upon marrying William Reed in the fall of 2007, I took his last name, as my maiden name is Wilke.  Countless individuals ask me why I’m giving my daughter the same last name given everything that has happened within the past few months and our pending divorce.  Two reasons:  1)  It is extremely important to me that both of my children have the same surname.  2)  Reed is my legal name.  That is how I am known professionally and any significant milestones I’ve had with my writing thus far have been under Sloane Reed.  I have no plans on changing my legal name, regardless of the fact that it was ‘gifted’ to me by my ex-husband.

Adam Harrison Reed

Adam Bruce Douglas Sontag :: 4/25/84-7/7/03 ::

What a special way to pay homage to the person who has most influenced my life– other than my children– by sharing his name with my son.  Adam Sontag….my first true love, former fiancé, and my irreplaceable best friend.  I will always love him.  Not a day goes by where I don’t close my eyes and see that smile and hear that voice.   He helped shape me into the woman I am today.  Taken from us far too soon in a tragic automobile accident, I am so proud that Adam saved the lives of other people with his selfless decision to be an organ donor.  I speak for all of us who knew and loved him when I say he left a void in our hearts that will never be filled.  We miss you, Adam.

I'm in the process of obtaining an actual photo. Stars remind me of those loved and lost.

Harrison Andrew Elder is Will’s deceased father.  Unfortunately I do not have much information on him or a picture, so I’m hoping Angela or Holly may be able to help me with this.  To give you a better idea of his physical appearance….Will is the spitting image of his dad.  I do not feel comfortable speaking for my ex-husband about the love and admiration he had for his father, but I know it was of the utmost importance to him that we include his name on our son’s birth certificate.  Including Harrison is way for Will’s parents to be linked to their first grandchild as they both passed before he was born.

Tatum Maris Reed

Her book, 'A Paper Life,' influenced me tremendously.

Until I read her memoir, Tatum O’Neal was largely unfamiliar to me.  I’d never seen any of her acting work and the extent of my knowledge of her was:  dysfunctional Hollywood childhood; major Daddy issues; intermittent drug abuse; married [and later divorced] to mild-mannered John McEnroe; and a mother.  While all of the descriptions are indeed a part of her identity, I’m almost ashamed of how grossly oversimplified my previous description was, it came nowhere close to doing this strong and resilient woman justice.  She’s had one hell of a life– and struggles as all humans do– yet somehow managed to escape the chaos with a sense of humor and her sanity intact.  I appreciate her candor and consider her an inspiration.

Additionally, the name Tatum is unique, much like Sloane.  It’s quirky without being too ‘out there.’  Thank you, Mom & Dad, for allowing me to stand out from the masses without naming me Apple, Moses, or Pilot Inspektor.

Maris Elyse McLoskey <3

I call Maris my soul sister– best friend just doesn’t adequately describe our bond.  Come to think of it, I don’t even know how to describe her at all.  Suffice it to say she’s the coolest person I’ve ever met and I seriously think we share a brain.  These past nine years have been saturated with this incredible woman and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  We’re the godmothers to each others children and she even named her daughter after me!  I’ve known for a long time if I ever had a little girl I’d be returning the favor.  Maris is a blessing straight from the heavens.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

A bad ‘partnership’

30 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment

DISCLAIMER:  This post is not one to mince words.  Read at your own risk.

The infamous brochure

On November 22nd my attorney and I made the first of our many court appearances:  to contest a Juvenile Dependency Petition.  Prior to this horrific afternoon my only exposure to the number ’300′ was a gladiator movie released several years ago.  Mr. Attorney warned me it would not be pleasant– we’d each receive a packet detailing my offenses several minutes before setting foot into the courtroom– and I honestly cannot express the anguish in words.  Said packet more closely resembled an encyclopedia than a collection of documents and it was the most biased, factually inaccurate, and damning material I’ve ever seen in my life.  It was as if [forgive this terrible analogy] I received notification that my parents, Maris, and Danielle were on a plane….that crashed with zero survivors.  The floor dropped out from beneath me.  I’ll be physically sick if I discuss it anymore.

The ‘Parent Partner’

My only reasoning for mentioning the absolute worst day of my life is to share with you a rather interesting exchange.  Despite our arrival over half an hour early– and the fact that we were sitting in a very visible spot– nobody [with the exception of the clerk who handed us our respective packets] ever approached us.  Yet the moment Mr. Attorney steps into the restroom, a woman materializes from thin air and takes a seat next to me.  She introduced herself, gave me her card and brochure, and sympathetically told me that she’s been in my position and knew what I was going through.  Immediately the warning signs started flashing in my head as her information clearly stated that she was a ‘Parent Partner’ WITH Child Welfare Services.  What a relief!  So you’re not the Gestapo but you still take orders from the SS, fair enough.  I politely engaged her in conversation knowing that Mr. Attorney would be very interested in our discussion upon his return.  He immediately asked who she was and received the card and pamphlet as well.  While I didn’t openly deny her services it was apparent I wouldn’t be putting her on speed dial.  She disappeared.  We took note of the organization after the ‘with’ on her brochure and he reminded me that this person was not my friend and I was to never contact her.

Our 300 petition in San Luis Obispo was conveniently scheduled at the same exact time as the hearing for my temporary restraining order in Paso Robles– even though CPS had known for days we were on the docket for the TRO [there was proof of service from both Will and CPS]– so we immediately returned to my neck of the woods after scheduling a hearing in juvenile court.  Imagine my surprise when I see my potential ‘partner’ waltz in….with Will.   Did I miss something?  Not only did she actually accompany him to court but she tried to speak on his behalf as if she was his attorney.

Why did we ever leave Memphis?

Can we say conflict of interest?

Please enlighten me as to how this works.  She’d obviously made previous arrangements to be Will’s ‘partner’ so how exactly was she hoping to escape the ethical conundrum associated with being a ‘partner’ to us both?  We’re not a happily married couple acting as a united front to get our child back…he has no problem whatsoever telling blatant lies and to this day he’ll bash me to anyone who will listen.  It is a huge conflict of interest to think that she could represent us both.  What if I’d actually said yes?!  This entire system is so disgusting.  Perhaps that’s why I’m a pariah and Will’s a saint [he's not glorified but they certainly don't mention anything negative about him], because of this spectacular ‘partnership.’  I’m not drinking their Kool Aid.  Let’s take a look at what I would have gained had I agree to these services.

“About Parent Partners – We understand that this is an extremely difficult and overwhelming time in your life.  We are here to help you:“

  • Understanding the process of what is going on  [I'll give them credit on that one-- if I didn't have an attorney I wouldn't have the slightest clue as to what's happening so that's definitely a positive aspect of their group]
  • Help you move forward with the next step  [Is this before or after you report back to the social worker?]
  • Offer resources for services in your community [Again, credit for this one.  Though I would be highly skeptical of any 'services' as it forever ties you to the system]
  • Stand beside you as a mentor and peer  [I'd prefer my mentors to have integrity and professionalism versus being sneaky and operating with the knowledge of an obvious conflict of interest.]
  • Attend meetings with you for support  [Excuse me?!  You can attend a meeting with me but my attorney can't?!?!]
  • Help with transportation to and from meetings or appointments  [To set the stage for more hearsay dialogue?]
  • Connect you to other support groups  [I sincerely doubt there is a support group that could adequately address my issues with this process.  Maybe the Supreme Court?]

I will NEVER stop speaking about my ordeal until somebody investigates it thoroughly and comprehensively…and does the same for all cases.  Maybe one day I’ll even start an organization similar to ‘Parent Partners’ that doesn’t answer to CPS and actually advocates on behalf of parents– and more importantly the best interests of the children afflicted in these situations.

Does anyone recall a little boy named Adam?

Although I just devoted significant space to expressing legal frustrations, I truly feel as though I am one of only a small handful of people who care about Adam’s best interests.  I’ve been told by CPS they don’t care to do any further investigation because they “have their proof” nor do they have any desire to tell Adam why his parents aren’t around, which is just cruel.  I could sit here and write paragraph after paragraph about the injustices against my son….yet I think the examples I use speak loudly and clearly.

Although I was a single mother, we were never alone. Christmas '08

How does Will factor into all of this?

I’ve refrained from speaking of him as much as possible– and I just can’t stay silent anymore.  So many people inquire as to whether or not he makes me angry.  Aside from kicking me and calling me despicable names in front of our son, nothing he has done angered me.  Instead he is a giant disappointment. 

The power to make this nightmare end for our son rested solely in Will’s hands.  What did he do with that tremendous opportunity?  Squandered it.  We could have sent Adam back home to the loving grandparents who helped me raise him.  Yet he’d much rather see his child subjected to the endless loop of the system than to do the right thing.  In his eyes, placement of Adam with my parents is a victory to me meaning a loss for him.  Regardless of anything he says or does from this point forward he has made it abundantly clear his parenting approach.  It’s not an Adam-centric one as mine is….yet one that focuses on Mommy bashing and hoping the rest falls into place.

Will sent an email to our CPS worker.  It speaks volumes and I’ll break it down by sentence:

  • Sloane’s a terrible person.
  • Why is she persecuting me?
  • Please help me stop her from persecuting me!
  • My ‘parent partner’ says Sloane’s a terrible person too.
  • Oh and by the way– first mention of Adam– I’d like to see him more than once a week.
  • I want to be allowed at family functions so technically I can be around Adam but I won’t have to spend time because he’ll be playing in the backyard with his older cousins.
  • The “S.S. has the power to” let me around Adam more.  [Even he knows the role of the Third Reich!]
  • My public defender says Sloane sucks too and needs to be informed that the domestic violence charges will be dropped per “Marcy’s Law”  [Personally I'm going with my Victim Witness advocate who answers directly to the D.A. and says this isn't the case. Furthermore, Marsy's Law: " This measure amends the state constitution and various state laws to (1) expand the legal rights of crime victims and the payment of restitution by criminal offenders, (2) restrict the early release of inmates, and (3) change the procedures for granting and revoking parole" says Wikipedia.  So basically I benefit from this?]
  • Sloane’s an awful mother and human being and you are forgetting this!
  • “I miss my lil dude….and this just sucks.”

I understand that we arrived in California together.  Yet it is an egregious error to assume that Will was anything but an absentee parent with little to no interest in Adam from June ’08-March ’11.  He never paid a dime in child support nor made any attempts to visit his son.  The few times they talked on the phone happened only because I called and begged him to talk to Adam.  What a damn fool I was to think that we could be a ‘happy family.’  I let the idea of a nuclear family with Mommy and Daddy and two children cloud my rational judgement and I will spend the rest of my life regretting this.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

Quote by Cocktails With Hemingway

Those dashing good looks

30 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in Adam, Technology, Will Reed

My self-portraits reveal which of my parents is my doppelganger...

And it's definitely not Mommy!

I must say I resemble her significantly in this shot though.

Adam mastered the advanced features of my new digital camera while I was still struggling with basic concepts.  Now he’s moved onto the more artistic endeavor capturing himself in front of the lens.  All of these are self-portraits, minus the image of his father.  Is it not unreal how much they look alike?  I’m a little less than pleased with my likeness in the third picture because I embody the quintessential pregnant woman– wan, bags under my eyes, exhausted look, puffy, etc.– but it’s adorable of him and meaningful because he took it.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

Le sigh

16 Nov 2011 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in Adam, Changes, Controversy, Employment, Frustration, Motherhood, Paso Robles, Pregnancy, Psychiatric Issues, Single mama, Spirituality, Support, Unconventional Parenting, Will Reed

Somebody loves the outlet mall and Pismo Beach....and could care less about the retail experience!

Tomorrow I desperately need to play catch up with my ’30 Days of Thanksgiving.’  In my current state of sadness, anxiety, and stress it’s crucial to remain focused on the positive and be thankful for my blessings.  The dual combination of no psychiatric help and a pregnancy entering its third trimester is taking its toll on me.

[[ Because I am hyper aware of everything I post on here let me say that 'psychiatric help' refers to therapists/counseling and my usual antidepressant and anxiety medications.  I'm not crazy or mentally ill...at least that's the concensus reached by all of my personalities. ]]

I expect to hear tomorrow about the final verdict regarding my apartment– and hopefully a move-in date within a matter of days.  Until this morning I did not know the complex had an additional form they requested from my social worker.  As luck would have it she’s out of the office on Tuesdays but she’s always prompt and efficient so I’m thrilled to enter the home stretch of the application process!

During my lunch today, S, my wonderful housing worker treated me to a large bowl of homemade tomato soup at Cider Creek Bakery.  I signed the paperwork that officially admits me into the program.  She’ll be paying my deposit in full….isn’t that fantastic?!  I cannot wait to tell you more about this lifesavi ng program once I get settled.

Shifting gears…..

I’m undergoing a sort of internal struggle about what I write on Cocktails With Hemingway.  To think that one of my coworkers follows this blog is such an exciting thought.  I’m sure it’s not difficult to find and others may have seen it as well.  Everyone at my job appreciates my aspirations as a writer and the freelance work I do– and the reviews for my writings [including this blog] have been wonderful.  It’s so difficult for me to censor myself on the internet yet I feel it is in the best interests of my professional repuation and my character in general.  You’ve lost your ever loving mind, however, if you think this site will be devoid of controversy.  I’ll always push the envelope, stay true to myself, and speak my mind.  It’s just that these things will be done in a way that reflects the profound love and respect of the church I represent and portrays me as the adult I am, a woman with strong morals and convictions, who understands the value of discretion and realizes that sometimes less truly is more.

With that being said, I am extremely upset with Will.  I could sit here and talk for hours on end about all the negative emotions I feel and be justified in doing so.  But there is one thing he he has said since this entire ordeal began– and continues to say through third parties– that kills me.  He constantly references this “game” in which we’re involved.

To reduce so much ugliness and dismiss all that our son has endured as a ‘game’ makes me ill.  There are no winners here…and the biggest loser is Adam.  This is all so very serious.  Will is acting as if the ‘objective’ here is whichever parent can make their ‘opponent’ look the worst.  It’s truly heartbreaking.  I could care less [of course it bothers me but my priority is mothering my children] about mudslinging and attempted character assassination, insults and intimidation, and other less than pleasant aspects of human behavior.  What I care about is Adam and his best interests, his safety and stability.  That’s the only thing anyone should care about, not ‘winning’ or ‘losing,’ and going to extreme lengths to ‘play’ dirty.

I will never get used to Christmas decorations amidst palm trees.

Still I cannot help but think of what could have been.  MY dreams [minus the nightmare] are coming true in California…subtracting an adult member from our family of four.  I have a job I love, my son’s in a school he loves, and I am about to move into my own apartment with my kids while saving for a car in my name.  All that is missing from this equation is my husband and everything he was supposed to provide:  love, support, protection, parental guidance, an extra pair of hands, a second income, and so much more.

For the first time in my life I am entirely alone with the single mother label.  Millions of women [and plenty of men] are the only parent in their family home.  I am not unique in my predicament– and I have done the solo mommy thing before– but never 2000+ miles away from my parents, the vast majority of my family, and my best friends.  One child is difficult enough when you don’t have the luxury of both parents in the home, two kids will be infinitely more difficult.  How I miss my support system.

I know I can do it though.  Challenges build character and make you that much stronger.  It’s not the life I would have preferred for any of us but our bond will be unbreakable, my son and daughter and me.

Some people ask if I miss Will.  Yes and no.  I sure as hell don’t miss California Will, that person is a stranger to me.  I miss the friend I used to have, the father of my children, the person who was my co-pilot in life.  In all honesty it’s having help that I miss the most.

Romantic love is not something that has ever ranked high in my world– all my exes can attest to this.  I’m too independent and focused on my own passions and ambitions.  After giving so much of myself to my children I want to be selfish with the Sloane that is left over….not surprisingly I am always critcized by my partners for being ‘distant,’ ‘self-absorbed,’ and ‘not giving enough attention’ to them.  So no, I’m not missing Will in the sense that I’m longing for companionship or pining away for my next boyfriend….it’s always nice to relish in my freedom and independence with no apologies.

Can you believe I type all of this on my phone?  My Christmas present to myself, a new laptop, will make a world of difference.  Come pay day I’m heading to Walmart to put one on layaway.  Ah the lifestyles of the rich and the famous.  ;)

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane

Give thanks

10 Nov 2011 1 Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in Adam, Books, Employment, Family, Friends, HC, Health, Holidays, Home Sweet Home, Support, The Wee One, Welfare, Will Reed

Made with Adam's handprints and footprints for Thanksgiving <3

Many of my Facebook friends have been sharing their ’30 Days of Thanksgiving’ blessings in their daily statuses.  What an excellent idea…one day simply isn’t enough to focus on all of the things for which we are thankful.  Obviously I’m a little behind with this idea so allow me to present to you my first ten days of gratitude:

1)  My son, Adam Harrison Reed, brings me unparalleled joy.  As you all know, he’s the coolest kid ever, and beyond precious.  I cannot even remember my life without him and wouldn’t trade motherhood for the world.  He is in such a fun, creative, and exciting stage of development right now!  I prefer his company to anyone else’s.

2)  Our new arrival, Tatum Marisann Reed, will complete our little family.  I’m sure any expecting parent can attest to this fact, but I love her so much and I haven’t even met her.  She’s kicking up a storm as I write this and I know these next fifteen weeks will fly by at lightening speed.  During my initial pregnancy with Adam [before I knew his sex] I wanted a baby girl but I became so obsessed with my little dude– and even still I am so thrilled that I had my son first– yet the timing is just perfect for my daughter.

3)  I cannot give enough thanks for the support we’ll receive with our apartment!  This doesn’t even need an explanation, heh.  Being ‘homeless’ [especially when you are pregnant and have a small child] is one of the absolute worst situations and this entire ordeal has made me a lot more cognizant of the struggles others face in their own lives.  So many people associate homelessness with hobos sifting through garbage, sleeping on the concrete, and panhandling when in reality it can be any transitional living situation between one address and the next.  An unexpected crisis does not discriminate.

4)  Adding on to the previous blessing, I am eternally grateful for all of the support that is available in San Luis Obispo County.  If not for all the resources at my disposal….I shudder just thinking about it.  All of the empowerment reaffirms my desire to be involved with this community and give back to organizations that have helped me.

5)  I am thankful for my job.  Getting paid to do work you enjoy with people you love = WIN.  Of course in this economy anyone with gainful employment has reason to give thanks but how many folks can honestly say they enjoy how they make a living?  I’m so lucky to be one of them.

6)  Everyone probably thinks they have the greatest friends ever– I know I do.  Seeing the countless individuals [some of whom I barely knew] who have reached out to me lately– whether it’s sending me a care package, offering to babysit, lending me their ears, or just messaging me to let me know I was in their thoughts and prayers– y’all are amazing.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Brandi is one of my newest friends....and I am ever so thankful she's in my world.

7)  Despite the waiting rooms and medical bills, can you even imagine what our lives would be like without all the doctors, nurses, and other medical staff working tirelessly to keep us healthy?  Katie Porter mentioned this earlier and I must agree:  healthcare professionals make the world go ’round.  And I’m also so glad that my son rarely has to see people in this field except for yearly wellness checkups.

8)  Without reading material I would be so lost.  Whether it’s books, magazines, blogs, or anything else– I devour it.  Imagine my delight when a kind man came into work today– and told me that he’d heard from our pastor that I like to read– and offered to bring me bunches of magazines!  Yes please.  Speaking of books, I am think I may be overdue at the library.  Thanks to the library as well for giving me a card even though I did not have California identification.  Maybe I’ll add that to my list of places to volunteer at as well.

9)  My family as a whole, especially my parents, do so much for me and I appreciate it more than I can ever express.  No matter how old a girl gets, she always needs her mama.  ;)

10)  And last but not least, I’m thankful for Will Reed.  Perhaps that strikes you as strange but I learned so much from my marriage with him– and more importantly– he helped me create the two best children to ever walk the face of this planet.  I would be remiss to not mention the father of my kids and pray daily that he takes positive steps towards achieving a fulfilling life.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

“Addicted” – Walls of Jericho

18 Oct 2011 2 Comments

by Cocktails With Hemingway in Changes, Drugs, Will Reed

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  it takes a real man/woman to admit that they have a problem– and to go a major step beyond that and seek help.  Those individuals who understand that some issues simply cannot be handled without some outside assistance have my admiration and respect.  My husband is one of those people.  While he certainly doesn’t have the greatest track record for smart decisions and productive behavior [and I am not speaking poorly of him because he will be the first to agree with you]….most, if not all, of his mistakes can be attributed to his struggles with substance abuse.  It is with cautious optimism and tremendous joy that he has decided to voluntarily enter a sober living facility a few towns away from us.  It is long term yet he will be released for Tatum’s birth.  Regardless of what I have endured I hope for the sake of my children that he can get his life back on track.

Daddy & Adam

“When you are required to exhibit strength, it comes.” ~ Joseph Campbell

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

22 weeks

16 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in Pregnancy, The Wee One, Will Reed

Week 22's imagery

[[ Image courtesy of Baby Center and info from Web MD ]]

Baby: Your baby measures about 7.6 inches and weighs about 12.3 ounces. The muscles are getting stronger every week now, and the eyelids and eyebrows are developed. Your baby’s acrobatics are pretty constant, and since he responds to sound, rhythm and melody, you can try singing and talking to him. After he’s born, the same sounds will soothe him.

Mom-to-be: Your uterus is continuing to grow, but you’re probably feeling pretty good — no more morning sickness, and your abdomen isn’t so large that it’s getting in the way very much. You may still be getting leg and foot cramps, as well as mild swelling of ankles and feet.

Tip for the Week: To reduce cramping, increase your intake of calcium and potassium. Have a glass of milk before bedtime or snack on potassium-rich foods, such as grapefruits, oranges and bananas. If you do get a leg cramp, try forcing your toes back toward your face and pushing down on the knee to straighten your leg.

 

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

“A Fond Farewell”

24 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in Adam, Changes, Child Abuse, Controversy, Divorce, Domestic Violence, Family, Friends, Motherhood, Moving, No bueno, Paso Robles, Will Reed, Women

We’re in Wine Country!
Adam debuts his new buzz cut shortly before we left Atascadero. Bonus points for the messy mouth.
The 4G Samsung Exhibit

What a month.  How can I even attempt to explain the myriad of events unfolding in the pivotal [life changing, draining, upsetting, frustrating, liberating, chaotic, isolating, emotional, and that's only to name a few] month of September?  Words fail me completely.  Do I even want to discuss most of this?  No, I don’t.  Yet there is a part of me that wants to reveal everything– loudly and clearly so there is zero confusion– because there are so many things that need to be said.  My son has endured unimaginable heartache and I am not going to add to his distress by conducting myself in a way that is not in strict accordance with the woman and mother I am….it his his privacy and our dignity as a family that I seek to preserve at all costs. 

While staying at the house in Atascadero belonging to Will’s aunt and uncle, Adam witnessed a physical action [I was not hurt-- and I'm certainly not making excuses for grossly inappropriate behavior-- but in the grand scheme of things the contact was relatively mild] against me.  Most upsetting was the fact that I was called cruel names while my toddler son was sitting five feet away.  Knowing that my innocent child was subjected to verbal abuse against his mother….I still cannot process that fully.  The legal component to ‘the incident’ has no place in Cocktails With Hemingway and I will not mention it in my blog, ever. 

Adam and I left the home and relocated to Paso Robles [a gorgeous place that I fell in love with instantly], two towns away from Atascadero, also within San Luis Obispo County.  We are living in a private home [there are four units total] for women and families that are in a major transitional phase of their lives.  Each of us have our own spacious rooms, bathrooms, kitchen, and living area.  The resources, compassion, and support available to us are incredible beyond measure….I will be forever indebted to this phenomenal organization for all they have done for Adam and me.  Whether it’s shuttling me to a prenatal appointment, making arrangments for play therapy for Adam, honoring my special requests for fresh spinach and ridiculous amounts of cheese, offering baby sitting services when I have obligations, or anything in between– we have so much love and assistance as we get on our feet in less than ideal circumstances.

Here I will tread very lightly and say that Adam has been profoundly affected by numerous factors since we have come to California.  As expected ‘the incident’ proved incredibly traumatic to him…and all of the many transformations he has made with our move to the west coast have been overwhelming.  I’m not going to elaborate on his behavior [suffice it to say he has been acting out] but he is significantly affected by the things he has seen and heard combined with countless changes.  With the assistance of my new home, I acted quickly to get him in therapy, and he has been very vocal and revealing with his therapist.  Making sure he receives extra love and attention– coupled with an emphasis on his feelings and positive reinforcement– while maintaining firm boundaries and explaining the consequences of actions is how I handle this from a parental standpoint.  Also, he is a priority enrollment case at a local school here, so we’re hoping a spot opens and he can begin the program as soon as possible.

Yes we’re divorcing.

Literally I can feel my mind shutting down [this post has drained me and I am on medication to treat a concussion] so I fear I’m going to be rambling from this point forward.  I wanted to further expound on the amazing people I have met here and all of the kindness I have received.  The only times I have cried since any of this have been happy tears because of others.  My housemate, Brandi, is such an incredible woman and it has been such a privelege getting to know her and calling her a friend.  Everyone in Memphis is loved and missed and I appreciate everyone’s support.

To answer the question on everyone’s mind:  I am NOT returning to Memphis and will remain in California, even after the pregnancy. 

Despite everything that has happened I love it here and can’t see myself anywhere else.  My short-term plan involves the best possible life for Adam, a healthy pregnancy and saving money.  I am doing everything in my power to parent Adam lovingly and effectively through these challenges, as a team, and getting him every resource at his disposal.  I am exercising daily with walks, eating healthily, and trying to reduce stress.  I am on the interview circuit for part-time opportunities and in the process of fixing my laptop so I can continue to receive income from freelancing and even surveys– and yes, government assistance in a variety of forms.  Come what may, I know that I am a strong and resilient woman who can handle anything life throws at me….and as long as I remember that I can only control myself I can get through this. 

Endless thanks to Chris DeFranco– one of my dearest friends for seven years now– for generously gifting me with a cell phone.  He exceeded all expectations by sending a fully loaded 4G  smart phone with a touch screen….yet another act of kindness that moved me to tears.  Being able to have a phone is such a relief as I navigate the interview circuit, my many appointments, and the blessing of being able to communicate instantaneously with family and friends.  I love you, Chris.  Thank you for all you have done for me.  To say I value your friendship immensely is an understatement.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

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