Cocktails With Hemingway

Posing by the azaleas in our driveway - Easter '09

My chauffeur will arrive in two and a half hours to take me to the hospital.  I’ve been up for over an hour now.  The realization that I wouldn’t be able fall asleep again frustrated me….until it became apparent just how much I needed this quiet time for myself.  Tears stream down my face as I write this and I’m allowing myself to cry.  This little slice of early morning is my mourning before I have to pull myself together.  Soon enough I have to focus only on the joyous mother role and step outside like absolutely nothing is wrong.

Except something is very wrong.

I should be introducing Adam to his sister at the hospital, not staring at the photo shrine I’m bringing with me in his absence.  What a terrible choice to be faced with:  do I ‘sacrifice’ one child to save another?  Towards the end of January I knew I had no other option.  Being commended on my progress told that my son would come home before his sister’s arrival….only to have that light snuffed out so cruelly….jolted me back to reality.  As my attorney [and virtually everyone else with common sense] said, the net was being widened for Tatum, plain and simple.  My daughter will not be placed in harm’s way nor will she ever be a victim of this grotesque system– she is protected.  But soon enough I shall resume the uphill battle in dangerous territory to fight for Adam.  I’m bawling now at the thought of how both of my children’s lives have been so severely impacted.

I pray that God is merciful and ends this nightmare before Tatum remembers much of it.

Adam and Gigi at Wilson's first birthday party, 1/10

Right before his bedtime last night Adam gave me a call to inquire about the big news Auntie spoke of earlier in the evening.  His kind, gentle soul is so understanding.  He knows that Tatum has to be born in a ‘special baby hospital’ so she will be safe and happy.  God only knows what’s going through his overburdened head, but he assures me that he wants the best for sister.  I reminded him that his sister would be born tomorrow.  To which he said:  “Whoa!  Where does she come from?”  In the past I told him babies fly out of a Mommy’s belly button [Although I believe in being as honest as possible with children at an age-appropriate level, he repeats everything, and I wasn't ready with a dazzling answer] so that’s what I said.  “How does that work?” he asked, skeptically.  When I told him my belly button opens up and out comes sister flying really fast he cackled like a maniac.  “That’s really funny,” he said.  “Flying sister.”  Hearing him tell me that he loved me ‘with all his heart,’ that he missed me, and that he was ‘super excited’ to be a big brother….

Adam, I know you sometimes look at this blog to see the pictures.  I hope that when you view the images here you remember how many people love you.  Things have been so terrible for your little self these past few months and there is so little you understand.  Please remember that there are people fighting for you around the clock.  Remember where you come from, the wonderful childhood you’ve had, your family near and far.  It will take tremendous effort but we will get things back to a state of normalcy for you.  That I promise.

I love you, sweet boy.  My heart breaks knowing you can’t be with me today.  It makes me so angry and sad to think of how we’ve been robbed.  When you get home from school you’ll be able to ‘meet’ your precious little sister….on Mommy’s YouTube account.

Somebody has an awesome GRRR face.

From the very beginning of this ordeal, I refused to pity myself.  The emotional roller coaster I felt was something I tried to translate into the toll this was taking on Adam, my pregnancy, and the future of our family….and even then I tried to channel that negativity into something productive.  Yet for the first time several days ago I couldn’t help but wonder if there was any rest for the weary.

My caseworker informed me that my presence was required at a newly– magically!– scheduled hearing taking place tomorrow.  What can you do but laugh?  Out of the kindness of their hearts I’m being allowed to phone in as opposed to actually appear.  It goes without saying that the topic of this hearing is nothing that has to be discussed tomorrow nor is it anything that a signed letter faxed on my behalf can’t solve.  But that would just be too easy to let me give birth in peace.  So I eagerly anticipate having my cell phone ring in the hospital sometime tomorrow afternoon between 1:30-3:00 Pacific Standard Time.  I’m so glad we clarified that–  California’s scheduling as opposed to the local time here in Bora Bora where I’m enjoying my leisurely vacation.

Nobody will rain on my parade.  It’s mind over matter.  I’ve made the conscious decision not to let anything affect me today– I don’t mind– and nothing else matters.  My focus today is bringing Tatum into this world. 

Tatum arrives TODAY!!  <3

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane