Ten glorious days with Tatum transported me to a blissful state, much like a dream. She’s gone now. And I’m wide awake.
How much more must we endure?
With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane
Is this really happening?
13 Nov 2012 Leave a Comment
Hotel California
14 Mar 2012 1 Comment
in Activism, Adam, Anger, Anxiety, Changes, Courage, Depression, Motherhood, My Humble Oasis, Outrage, Parenting, Paso Robles, Single mama, Tatum
My Christmas tree remains standing, fully decorated with presents unopened. It will not come down until Adam comes home. Whenever that may be….
Nothing says ‘welcome home’ like my internet from Charter not connecting. Praise God for my new iPhone [thank you, Mom & Dad, for your loyal patronage to AT&T that enabled this 99 cent purchase!] so I have an outlet for all that’s on my mind. My thoughts are so jumbled I don’t even know where to begin.
Yesterday at noon I boarded a plane in Memphis. After stops in Houston and San Francisco [worthy of its own post] I finally arrived in San Luis Obispo. Upon walking into my apartment everything felt surreal. Like some sort of deja vu time warp. I always imagined this moment as Adam eagerly flinging the door open and skipping into the living room as I bring a swaddled Tatum into our cozy home. Instead, my infant daughter is 2500 miles away, the state has custody of my son, and I am more alone than I’ve ever been.
The overwhelming pain of losing one child to the system is surpassed only by losing two children to the system. I had to sacrifice my son to save my daughter. Can you even imagine such an impossible, heartbreaking choice? I must save my strength to keep fighting for Adam. Tatum is safe, that thought so comforts me. Yet we are in three separate households and that is unacceptable. As a mother this is absolute agony. Here I am without either Adam or Tatum. One is five minutes away, the other on the opposite side of the country, but both feel beyond my reach. Pictures and phone calls barely sustain me.
God, hear my prayers. Give Adam comfort as his confused mind does not understand my absence. Let Tatum continue to flourish…despite me leaving her merely three weeks after her birth. Help Mom & Dad continue to provide her with the best possible care. Allow me the strength, courage, and faith to navigate the nightmare. Please reunite my family soon.
It should come as no surprise that the organization who shall not be named is punishing me for my decision to protect Tatum…they are dangling the threat of starting the parenting plan all over again. How much more can they destroy our family? Will this ever end? All I want to do now is resume work at the church, get a second job in retail, continue to advocate for my family– and be the best absentee mom I can possibly be.
Even if I could type a million words a minute I wouldn’t come close to saying everything that needs to be said. There are so many people in both Memphis and California I need to thank– Mom & Dad, Brandi, and Theresa especially though that’s just the short list– but that will be a joyous entry created when I have full laptop capabilities.
For now I sit in an apartment far too big for me. Alone. Completely alone. All of the company in the world couldn’t fill the void in my heart. I would do anything for my kids to be in my arms. Adam and Tatum, Mommy loves you so much.
With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane
Only a few more hours…
21 Feb 2012 1 Comment
in Adam, Anger, Anxiety, Changes, Depression, Family, Frustration, Gestapo, Injustice, Motherhood, Parenting, Pregnancy, Serenity, Sibling love, Stress, Support, The Wee One, Three F's, YouTube
Posing by the azaleas in our driveway - Easter '09
My chauffeur will arrive in two and a half hours to take me to the hospital. I’ve been up for over an hour now. The realization that I wouldn’t be able fall asleep again frustrated me….until it became apparent just how much I needed this quiet time for myself. Tears stream down my face as I write this and I’m allowing myself to cry. This little slice of early morning is my mourning before I have to pull myself together. Soon enough I have to focus only on the joyous mother role and step outside like absolutely nothing is wrong.
Except something is very wrong.
I should be introducing Adam to his sister at the hospital, not staring at the photo shrine I’m bringing with me in his absence. What a terrible choice to be faced with: do I ‘sacrifice’ one child to save another? Towards the end of January I knew I had no other option. Being commended on my progress told that my son would come home before his sister’s arrival….only to have that light snuffed out so cruelly….jolted me back to reality. As my attorney [and virtually everyone else with common sense] said, the net was being widened for Tatum, plain and simple. My daughter will not be placed in harm’s way nor will she ever be a victim of this grotesque system– she is protected. But soon enough I shall resume the uphill battle in dangerous territory to fight for Adam. I’m bawling now at the thought of how both of my children’s lives have been so severely impacted.
I pray that God is merciful and ends this nightmare before Tatum remembers much of it.
Adam and Gigi at Wilson's first birthday party, 1/10
Right before his bedtime last night Adam gave me a call to inquire about the big news Auntie spoke of earlier in the evening. His kind, gentle soul is so understanding. He knows that Tatum has to be born in a ‘special baby hospital’ so she will be safe and happy. God only knows what’s going through his overburdened head, but he assures me that he wants the best for sister. I reminded him that his sister would be born tomorrow. To which he said: “Whoa! Where does she come from?” In the past I told him babies fly out of a Mommy’s belly button [Although I believe in being as honest as possible with children at an age-appropriate level, he repeats everything, and I wasn't ready with a dazzling answer] so that’s what I said. “How does that work?” he asked, skeptically. When I told him my belly button opens up and out comes sister flying really fast he cackled like a maniac. “That’s really funny,” he said. “Flying sister.” Hearing him tell me that he loved me ‘with all his heart,’ that he missed me, and that he was ‘super excited’ to be a big brother….
Adam, I know you sometimes look at this blog to see the pictures. I hope that when you view the images here you remember how many people love you. Things have been so terrible for your little self these past few months and there is so little you understand. Please remember that there are people fighting for you around the clock. Remember where you come from, the wonderful childhood you’ve had, your family near and far. It will take tremendous effort but we will get things back to a state of normalcy for you. That I promise.
I love you, sweet boy. My heart breaks knowing you can’t be with me today. It makes me so angry and sad to think of how we’ve been robbed. When you get home from school you’ll be able to ‘meet’ your precious little sister….on Mommy’s YouTube account.
Somebody has an awesome GRRR face.
From the very beginning of this ordeal, I refused to pity myself. The emotional roller coaster I felt was something I tried to translate into the toll this was taking on Adam, my pregnancy, and the future of our family….and even then I tried to channel that negativity into something productive. Yet for the first time several days ago I couldn’t help but wonder if there was any rest for the weary.
My caseworker informed me that my presence was required at a newly– magically!– scheduled hearing taking place tomorrow. What can you do but laugh? Out of the kindness of their hearts I’m being allowed to phone in as opposed to actually appear. It goes without saying that the topic of this hearing is nothing that has to be discussed tomorrow nor is it anything that a signed letter faxed on my behalf can’t solve. But that would just be too easy to let me give birth in peace. So I eagerly anticipate having my cell phone ring in the hospital sometime tomorrow afternoon between 1:30-3:00 Pacific Standard Time. I’m so glad we clarified that– California’s scheduling as opposed to the local time here in Bora Bora where I’m enjoying my leisurely vacation.
Nobody will rain on my parade. It’s mind over matter. I’ve made the conscious decision not to let anything affect me today– I don’t mind– and nothing else matters. My focus today is bringing Tatum into this world.
Tatum arrives TODAY!! <3
With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane
Yucky day
13 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in Depression, Frustration, Stress
Season 4 can hit Netflix any day now.
UPDATE: Brandi informed me that it was Lincoln’s birthday. Didn’t they consolidate all those into President’s Day, later in the month? Apparently SLO County seems to be the only one observing this as I asked friends across the nation if their schools, banks, offices, etc. were closed and they all said no.
Is today some sort of holiday completely unbeknownst to me? Early this morning I began making my calls to the Atascadero Department of Social Services. I thought they opened at 8 am, yet nobody answered after making several calls. So I waited an hour to no avail. The strangest thing was that the usual automated recording wasn’t playing. After it rang enough there was a busy signal as opposed to the usual voicemail. Despite the fact that this is a number I call frequently I checked online just to make sure it changed. It hadn’t. I attempted to call from my land line to make sure it wasn’t a cell problem. It wasn’t. As a last resort I even called my mom and gave her the number and she got the busy tone as well.
Starting to get irritated, I called the Paso Robles office. The exact same thing happened. It happened again when I called in San Luis Obispo. And again in Arroyo Grande and Nipomo. Surely things would be different after my morning nap! Wishful thinking– come 3pm I’ve finally give up on speaking with a live person, decided to jump through a lot of internet hoops to find a fax number, and sent off a handwritten message via fax to my social worker. Nobody was available to take me there until after 5 or I would have just showed up….but regardless. My materials got sent.
Depression, stress, and frustration is really taking a toll on me. Don’t get too excited– I’m still competent and functional!– but I’m more ready to meet my daughter. The combination of excess time on my hands [which means I'm constantly researching legal stuff] and trying to determine what hospitals in the area other than Twin Cities will take me [apparently none] is overwhelming. I can’t wait for today to be over. Tomorrow’s a new day.
8 days until Tatum’s arrival. <3
With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane
Bye bye, Feedjit. Hello, stress.
03 Jan 2012 1 Comment
in Cocktails With Hemingway, Court, Legal issues, Maternity Leave, Obsession [bad], OCD, Pet Peeves, Relaxation, Stress
Who knew geriatrics were were such a hot commodity on the black market?
Considering how my blog rarely changes in terms of design [once in a blue moon I'll try and new layout or add a photo on the side], I doubt most people are scrutinizing what appears on the main page. If you aren’t one of those conscientious sleuths then you probably didn’t notice I removed my Feedjit [location tracker]. The problems far outweighed the benefits. First and foremost, some locations simply did not show up and I knew they were visiting. Do you know what that does to my OCD?! Next, I didn’t like the limited availability of the archive features. Then, it made me paranoid because I was completely convinced that the IP address that visits from Memphis 39453954039535945394543593454353 times an hour was Stalker Boy. Finally, I never understood why I got certain information from some visitors but not others. So I simply did away with it all. Numbers are more interesting to me than geographic locations for the purposes of Cocktails With Hemingway– though I certainly always encourage you to say hello and introduce yourself, especially if you are an international fan.
My maternity leave begins on February 16th. I get four weeks of paid l time and up to eight weeks additional, unpaid. Of course I look forward to cherishing the first few weeks of my daughter’s life with her at home….but the idea of not going to work for three months is enough to drive me insane. And besides, Easter falls on April 8th this year. Christmas and Easter are crucial times for the growth and outreach of our church and it’s of the utmost importance to me that I’m there to help during those chaotic yet exhilarating periods. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could get a paycheck for motherhood all the time though, whether or not you were employed outside of the home? 
I can’t even think about tomorrow. My stomach’s in knots and I’m a nervous wreck, though I’ve done a fairly good job of keeping a smile on my face and going about ‘business as usual’ [at least on the surface]. Unlike the initial phases of this ordeal there is no preparation involved. False allegations were refuted with verifiable proof, countless character references were assembled [I'll never be able to thank you all enough], and I made a list of my grievances. Those things were completed long ago. Beyond that, what can I do? The prospect of being ‘cross examined’ doesn’t phase me. Why should it when I’m being completely truthful, have nothing to hide, and diligently followed all that was requested? Above all I’m drained and ready for this to be OVER.
With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane
Le sigh
16 Nov 2011 Leave a Comment
in Adam, Changes, Controversy, Employment, Frustration, Motherhood, Paso Robles, Pregnancy, Psychiatric Issues, Single mama, Spirituality, Support, Unconventional Parenting, Will Reed
Somebody loves the outlet mall and Pismo Beach....and could care less about the retail experience!
Tomorrow I desperately need to play catch up with my ’30 Days of Thanksgiving.’ In my current state of sadness, anxiety, and stress it’s crucial to remain focused on the positive and be thankful for my blessings. The dual combination of no psychiatric help and a pregnancy entering its third trimester is taking its toll on me.
[[ Because I am hyper aware of everything I post on here let me say that 'psychiatric help' refers to therapists/counseling and my usual antidepressant and anxiety medications. I'm not crazy or mentally ill...at least that's the concensus reached by all of my personalities. ]]
I expect to hear tomorrow about the final verdict regarding my apartment– and hopefully a move-in date within a matter of days. Until this morning I did not know the complex had an additional form they requested from my social worker. As luck would have it she’s out of the office on Tuesdays but she’s always prompt and efficient so I’m thrilled to enter the home stretch of the application process!
During my lunch today, S, my wonderful housing worker treated me to a large bowl of homemade tomato soup at Cider Creek Bakery. I signed the paperwork that officially admits me into the program. She’ll be paying my deposit in full….isn’t that fantastic?! I cannot wait to tell you more about this lifesavi ng program once I get settled.
Shifting gears…..
I’m undergoing a sort of internal struggle about what I write on Cocktails With Hemingway. To think that one of my coworkers follows this blog is such an exciting thought. I’m sure it’s not difficult to find and others may have seen it as well. Everyone at my job appreciates my aspirations as a writer and the freelance work I do– and the reviews for my writings [including this blog] have been wonderful. It’s so difficult for me to censor myself on the internet yet I feel it is in the best interests of my professional repuation and my character in general. You’ve lost your ever loving mind, however, if you think this site will be devoid of controversy. I’ll always push the envelope, stay true to myself, and speak my mind. It’s just that these things will be done in a way that reflects the profound love and respect of the church I represent and portrays me as the adult I am, a woman with strong morals and convictions, who understands the value of discretion and realizes that sometimes less truly is more.
With that being said, I am extremely upset with Will. I could sit here and talk for hours on end about all the negative emotions I feel and be justified in doing so. But there is one thing he he has said since this entire ordeal began– and continues to say through third parties– that kills me. He constantly references this “game” in which we’re involved.
To reduce so much ugliness and dismiss all that our son has endured as a ‘game’ makes me ill. There are no winners here…and the biggest loser is Adam. This is all so very serious. Will is acting as if the ‘objective’ here is whichever parent can make their ‘opponent’ look the worst. It’s truly heartbreaking. I could care less [of course it bothers me but my priority is mothering my children] about mudslinging and attempted character assassination, insults and intimidation, and other less than pleasant aspects of human behavior. What I care about is Adam and his best interests, his safety and stability. That’s the only thing anyone should care about, not ‘winning’ or ‘losing,’ and going to extreme lengths to ‘play’ dirty.
I will never get used to Christmas decorations amidst palm trees.
Still I cannot help but think of what could have been. MY dreams [minus the nightmare] are coming true in California…subtracting an adult member from our family of four. I have a job I love, my son’s in a school he loves, and I am about to move into my own apartment with my kids while saving for a car in my name. All that is missing from this equation is my husband and everything he was supposed to provide: love, support, protection, parental guidance, an extra pair of hands, a second income, and so much more.
For the first time in my life I am entirely alone with the single mother label. Millions of women [and plenty of men] are the only parent in their family home. I am not unique in my predicament– and I have done the solo mommy thing before– but never 2000+ miles away from my parents, the vast majority of my family, and my best friends. One child is difficult enough when you don’t have the luxury of both parents in the home, two kids will be infinitely more difficult. How I miss my support system.
I know I can do it though. Challenges build character and make you that much stronger. It’s not the life I would have preferred for any of us but our bond will be unbreakable, my son and daughter and me.
Some people ask if I miss Will. Yes and no. I sure as hell don’t miss California Will, that person is a stranger to me. I miss the friend I used to have, the father of my children, the person who was my co-pilot in life. In all honesty it’s having help that I miss the most.
Romantic love is not something that has ever ranked high in my world– all my exes can attest to this. I’m too independent and focused on my own passions and ambitions. After giving so much of myself to my children I want to be selfish with the Sloane that is left over….not surprisingly I am always critcized by my partners for being ‘distant,’ ‘self-absorbed,’ and ‘not giving enough attention’ to them. So no, I’m not missing Will in the sense that I’m longing for companionship or pining away for my next boyfriend….it’s always nice to relish in my freedom and independence with no apologies.
Can you believe I type all of this on my phone? My Christmas present to myself, a new laptop, will make a world of difference. Come pay day I’m heading to Walmart to put one on layaway. Ah the lifestyles of the rich and the famous.
With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane
