“All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.”~ Oscar Wilde
I could not ask for a better day.
Allow me to extend my heartfelt gratitude and sincere appreciation to all the moms out there. Whether you relaxed with breakfast in bed, got pampered with a pedicure, took a nap, or went about business as usual….thank you for all that you do. A mother is a woman who raises, nurtures, and guides a child whether it grows within you or not. Let me take this opportunity to tell my own mom how much I love her. MeMae, Aunt Sarah, Maris, Danielle, and all the other women in my life who are Mommies– much love to you all.
Now THIS is a great card!
Last year I spent Mother’s Day curled up in the fetal position, alone in my apartment in California, weeping. Thank God that chapter of my life is ancient history. My only ‘complaints’ about today involve Tatum’s tummy bug and Adam’s video game snafu. Our morning consisted of brunch at Interim with my beloved parents, cousins [and Kat], and Aunt Sarah & Uncle Tommy. Next, Dad and I took Adam to go see the Robert Downey Jr. movie which made both mother and son very happy campers.
Adam Harrison Reed and Tatum Maris Reed made me a mother. No words even begin to describe the love I have for my two precious children. Hands down, they are the best things I’ve ever done– what a tremendous honor to know I played 50% of the role in their creation!– and the best things I will ever do.
We may not always see eye to eye…but my mother is my best friend and personal hero.
The only card better than our united family’s creation are the cards Adam created for me. Is there anything more precious than your child’s artwork?! He made two cards [with the help of Little John] which you see below. I love the way he nailed my black hair– at least that was its color until several days ago– and glasses. As for my skin tone, perhaps he’s trying to tell me that I belong on Jersey Shore? Or maybe he’s seen too many chola chicks in California? We may never know.
Monsters exist everywhere. No part of the world escapes heinous acts from the vilest of criminals. The gruesome end to 9 year old Matthew’s life is a tragedy, one that could have happened anywhere, in any region or country. Killer Philip Hernandez could have been a resident of Delaware or Texas or North Dakota, anywhere besides California. Yet as grieving mother Jessica Hernandez will tell you….the state of California does not always act in the best interests of its most vulnerable population.
Cases such as Jessica’s are the extreme, but her allegations [evidence blatantly ignored in the courtroom, denial of basic rights, various forms of discrimination, etc.] echo throughout the state, a common denominator amongst far too many cases. Between Family Court, Child ‘Welfare’ Services, and the foster care system– something is very wrong here.
Jessica Hernandez and her two sons
The undeniable truth: Sacramento courts failed Jessica Hernandez and her son– at the cost of the young boy’s life. A judge chose to disregard crucial information and that irresponsible decision cost a family dearly. She’s not the first judge to do so. Nor will she be the last. To whom are these authority figures judges, social workers, civil servants answering? Other than contesting a verdict via the appeals process, what choice does one have when they know something is wrong? Why must children suffer at the hands of adults supposedly entrusted with their protection?
REFORM AMONGST THE FAMILY LAW COURTS, CWS, AND FOSTER CARE IS IMPERATIVE– THE NEED IS URGENT AND THE TIME IS NOW.
• March Blog Challenge • Day 3: What Makes You Happy?
Generally speaking the things that make me happy can be categorized into seven themes: children, good people, helping others, travel, humor, the little things, and songs.
☻ Children ☻
Adam and Tatum bring me the greatest joy I’ve ever known– motherhood. The rewards are infinite. My son and daughter complete me.
Yet even before I was a parent I’ve always loved kids. Whether it’s teaching the K-2nd grade students at Neshoba, tutoring, babysitting, or anything in between, I do what I can to be around children as often as possible. Few things are more gratifying than watching a young person learn and develop as they blossom before you. Their innocence, enthusiasm, wide-eyed curiosity, straightforward logic, frequent questions, and ‘saying the darnedest things’ moments are endearing.
Always look for an excuse to unleash your inner child.
☻ Good People ☻
Examples of the tragic consequences of bullying make headlines with alarming frequency. Social media exacerbates the epidemic, contributing to bad behavior from all age levels. People can be so cruel. So it’s always refreshing to see stories of folks behaving nicely. Like the homeless man who returned a woman’s wedding ring– and her subsequent fundraising to reward him for his kindness. Or the kids who stood on the sidelines cheered on their physically handicapped classmate as he finished a race. The airline employees who helped a passenger get to his dying mother’s bedside. Anyone and everyone who does something out of the kindness of their heart…doing something because it’s the right thing to do without expecting anything in return. Those who stand up for others and speak out against injustice.
Instances such as these occur on a daily basis. Wouldn’t it be nice if the media covered more of those to counteract the negativity that saturates our news? Let’s inspire and encourage.
☻ Helping Others ☻
If not for my desire to help others as much and as frequently as I am able then my ability to weather the storm would be severely compromised. Simply put, helping you helps me, and the mutual benefit makes me happy. I’m thrilled to make another person feel good about themselves or make their lives easier. Even the smallest actions, such as smiling at a stranger on the street, can have a big impact on their day.
☻ Travel ☻
I don’t care where I’m going, how I get there, who I’m with, or what we’re doing. If the opportunity to travel arises…my bags are packed and I’m out the door. Some of the best trips don’t involve any packing or even any bags. I live for those spur of the moment, impromptu road trips. Even though I have a passport and have traveled extensively– driving across the bridge into West Memphis to eat at Waffle House and cruise through an unfamiliar neighborhood makes for a ‘foreign’ experience. A wrong turn could easily be a source of frustration– or one hell of a story! Roll with the punches and make the most of it. And take lots of pictures.
[[Obviously traveling with the wee ones requires coordination and advanced planning, but it's still possible to incorporate an element of adventure and a carefree spirit.]]
The British Virgin Islands for Jen & Todd’s 2005 wedding is one none of us will ever forget.
☻ Little Things ☻
It truly doesn’t take much to make me happy.
Taking baths. Meeting somebody with whom you really ‘click.’ Finding imperative items for a fraction of the price at a thrift store. Meaningful conversations. Seeing the ocean. A delicious meal. Exciting games in Words With Friends. Stumbling upon unique rocks. Talking to Maris. <3
☻ Humor ☻
Life is funny. Nothing is ever so bad that you can't laugh. Virtually every situation contains humor. Laugh freely and laugh often. It's okay to be politically incorrect.
Cheer up, emo dude, top center.
☻ Songs ☻
I could be listening to the eulogy mid-funeral, hear one of these, and be in a great mood. Not that I anticipate that scenario ever happening or anything. DISCLAIMER: Some of these ditties contain lyrics that are obscene at best and downright vulgar at worst. You have been sufficiently warned that these are NSFW or little ears, so listen at your own risk. The video/song below is squeaky clean.
“Scotty Doesn’t Know” – Lustra
“Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta” – Geto Boys
“Peggy Sue” – Buddy Holly
“3.14″ – Bloodhound Gang
“Holiday” – Weezer
“Scene For Dummies” – Hollywood Undead
“Mr. Right” – Mickey Avalon
“Black Jesus” – Everlast
“Goin Steady” – Rocko
“No Hands” – Waka Flocka Flame ft. Wale & Roscoe Dash
“Go DJ” – Lil Wayne
“Still Fly” – Big Tymers
“Whatever You Like” – TI
“Army” – Ben Folds Five
“Volcano” – Presidents of the United States of America
High school memories. Hey Alg!
With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane
Time flies. Where has this past year gone? I feel as though I barely know my daughter. My son has never met his sister. Child ‘Welfare’ Services in San Luis Obispo County failed my children on such a colossal scale. They restricted my parental access, forcibly separated our family, and attempted to drive a wedge between Adam and me. And they failed miserably. Our bond transcends all. Tatum will meet her brother. These obstacles strengthen the unbreakable connection of our family. With time we will heal.
Nothing makes me happier than seeing that beautiful smile. Her laughter and excitement reminds me daily that I made the right– the only– decision. I sacrificed one child to save another.
Even sharing pictures of Tatum’s first birthday party can’t happen without a bitter taste in my mouth. At least she enjoyed her cake.
A photo summary of first birthdays:
Since we’ve been in California….
Tatum was born. Adam’s fourth birthday came and went. I turned 27. Maris and Theresa threw Tatum a party to celebrate her first year of life. In a few weeks Adam turns five. All milestones during which we were separated when we should have been together.
With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane
The Celebration of Life for our angel, Ashlyn, was today. What a relief it was to be in a peaceful and happy– surprisingly enough– environment to share our joy that we had 15 months with this wonderful little girl. It was nice seeing Chrissy’s mom and Heather [her sister] again….and I was especially happy to meet Heather’s beautiful children and to hear they are now living in Nipomo. As always, Xander was precious.
And, um, can I please get the recipe for whoever made that potato dish?! I was literally scraping the bottom of the glass after my 57th helping. Delectable cuisine like that is the quickest way to get a depressed and malnourished girl stuffing her face again.
So it’s not necessarily the best picture of the three of us, but the image I’ve shared here is so valuable to me. Brandi and Chrissy were my first real friends here. Each of us are survivors of domestic abuse, having met at the North County Women’s Shelter. We started rebuilding our lives together. We’ll always be linked because of this. I absolutely adore these strong, courageous, and beautiful women. Such an honor it is to call them friends.
My Christmas tree remains standing, fully decorated with presents unopened. It will not come down until Adam comes home. Whenever that may be….
Nothing says ‘welcome home’ like my internet from Charter not connecting. Praise God for my new iPhone [thank you, Mom & Dad, for your loyal patronage to AT&T that enabled this 99 cent purchase!] so I have an outlet for all that’s on my mind. My thoughts are so jumbled I don’t even know where to begin.
Yesterday at noon I boarded a plane in Memphis. After stops in Houston and San Francisco [worthy of its own post] I finally arrived in San Luis Obispo. Upon walking into my apartment everything felt surreal. Like some sort of deja vu time warp. I always imagined this moment as Adam eagerly flinging the door open and skipping into the living room as I bring a swaddled Tatum into our cozy home. Instead, my infant daughter is 2500 miles away, the state has custody of my son, and I am more alone than I’ve ever been.
The overwhelming pain of losing one child to the system is surpassed only by losing two children to the system. I had to sacrifice my son to save my daughter. Can you even imagine such an impossible, heartbreaking choice? I must save my strength to keep fighting for Adam. Tatum is safe, that thought so comforts me. Yet we are in three separate households and that is unacceptable. As a mother this is absolute agony. Here I am without either Adam or Tatum. One is five minutes away, the other on the opposite side of the country, but both feel beyond my reach. Pictures and phone calls barely sustain me.
God, hear my prayers. Give Adam comfort as his confused mind does not understand my absence. Let Tatum continue to flourish…despite me leaving her merely three weeks after her birth. Help Mom & Dad continue to provide her with the best possible care. Allow me the strength, courage, and faith to navigate the nightmare. Please reunite my family soon.
It should come as no surprise that the organization who shall not be named is punishing me for my decision to protect Tatum…they are dangling the threat of starting the parenting plan all over again. How much more can they destroy our family? Will this ever end? All I want to do now is resume work at the church, get a second job in retail, continue to advocate for my family– and be the best absentee mom I can possibly be.
Even if I could type a million words a minute I wouldn’t come close to saying everything that needs to be said. There are so many people in both Memphis and California I need to thank– Mom & Dad, Brandi, and Theresa especially though that’s just the short list– but that will be a joyous entry created when I have full laptop capabilities.
For now I sit in an apartment far too big for me. Alone. Completely alone. All of the company in the world couldn’t fill the void in my heart. I would do anything for my kids to be in my arms. Adam and Tatum, Mommy loves you so much.
With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane
DISCLAIMER: Mentioning Will in Cocktails With Hemingway exacerbates an already precarious situation. How do I tread that fine line? Appearing ‘too soft’ on him sends the message that I’m making excuses for his deplorable behavior or leaving the door open for a reconciliation of some sorts. Both of these are completely false. Conversely, if I drag his name through the mud, I am no better than him. My refusal to lower myself to that sort of behavior speaks volumes about my integrity. Not only is it counterproductive to launch a character assassination on him but it detracts focus from what is most important– bringing Adam home. I work diligently to keep Will from dominating my posts.. Let me be the first to tell you how difficult that is. I could easily create a blog devoted solely to my estranged husband– there’s no shortage of overwhelmingly negative emotions– yet I can no longer suppress my feelings.
One of our few family photos: Adam's 3rd birthday.
Last week I discovered Will took a one-way Greyhound to San Diego where he is now living with ‘friends.’ He blew off a visit with Adam, gave the Salvation Army some sob story to obtain his ticket, and told the CPS worker he was turning himself into jail. Nobody’s heard from him since.
Thanks to Facebook, the entire world can see that Will did indeed arrive safely in San Diego. His default picture shows him highly intoxicated and the images and statuses he post reference alcohol and partying. I’m not surprised. Not even the brazen nature of his virtual display shocks me. What I wasn’t expecting was for him to leave the county to engage in such debauchery. By doing so he effectively threw in the towel when it comes to the court battle for Adam, abandoning him completely with his decision to leave. And I doubt he’ll ever come back.
My heart’s not broken, at least not in the traditional sense. It is our precious children who have the broken hearts. I attempt to absorb their pain fully so they never have to feel it. These are not my tears I cry, they are Adam’s and Tatum’s. The thought of our innocent kids being hurt– by their own parent nonetheless– fills me with an overwhelming despair.
My cousin's wedding in spring '11
How can anyone abandon their children? These past few weeks I’ve spent away from Adam– sacrificing one child to save another– have been hell on earth without my baby boy. Despite all the joy surrounding Tatum’s birth and first three weeks of life, I was acutely aware of every second of Adam’s very conspicuous absence. Abandoning a traumatized, sad, confused, angry, child to travel 200 miles north to pursue partying? Deplorable doesn’t even begin to describe it.
Knowing that my son’s not being visited by either of his parents during this time is heartbreaking. My rage towards Will is completely justifiable but I won’t allow it to consume me. How dare he? After this awful nightmare he created, he suddenly jumps ship leaving me in the wake of his destruction. Adam and Tatum are not pawns and this is not a game.
He didn’t even bother to call his Aunt regarding Tatum’s birth. That’s one memory I’ll never share with her. Does he somehow cope by pretending she doesn’t exist?
Gone are the days of ‘justifying’ his poor parenting behavior with his addiction to drugs and alcohol because I don’t feel sorry for him anymore. He is an addict who needs serious, long-term rehabilitation yet refuses it. What more can anyone do?People on both sides of the family have done everything in their power to get him into treatment. We can only do so much. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.
My first pregnancy was filled with glee.
Never again will I make the mistake that cost me my son: no third chance exists for Will. He’s a con artist who weaseled his way back into our lives and I was foolish enough to believe his empty promises. As if opening the door to the chaos that is Will wasn’t enough….I stupidly followed him across the county upon discovering I was pregnant….leaving behind everything I knew and everyone I loved. Even worse, I let a two week window where I could have left California with Adam lapse because Will begged and pleaded for the chance to “be civil adults who are close friends and co-parents.” I have no one to blame except myself for these egregious errors and I profoundly regret them every day.
Monumental are the ways in which this entire family– and especially Adam– have been ruined by Will. Past damage is irreversible yet the future lies in my hands. I will not allow him to infiltrate our lives again. Will and I will never ‘co-parent;’ there’s no possible way for us to be friends or even communicate; I’m renewing the order of protection after December 2014; our divorce is pending; child support will be paid for Tatum, eventually, Adam too; he doesn’t deserve my forgiveness; I don’t have an ounce of pity for him; I’ve stopped trying to understand him; and I finally understand that the father of my children will never be Daddy or my loving husband. Case closed. Time to pick up the pieces and rebuild our lives. We deserve better.
Earlier I spoke of my overwhelming despair. Now I must make it my mission to seek its antithesis– hope. Three words best define my little family: love, strength, and resiliency. The Reeds are surrounded by love. My faith is unshakable and my own strength never ceases to amaze me. Even my children, with less than five years between them, consistently demonstrate how strong they are too. Our resilience ensures not only our capacity to survive, but to thrive. It is an honor to be Mommy, Daddy, and everything in between to Adam and Tatum.
Posing by the azaleas in our driveway - Easter '09
My chauffeur will arrive in two and a half hours to take me to the hospital. I’ve been up for over an hour now. The realization that I wouldn’t be able fall asleep again frustrated me….until it became apparent just how much I needed this quiet time for myself. Tears stream down my face as I write this and I’m allowing myself to cry. This little slice of early morning is my mourning before I have to pull myself together. Soon enough I have to focus only on the joyous mother role and step outside like absolutely nothing is wrong.
Except something is very wrong.
I should be introducing Adam to his sister at the hospital, not staring at the photo shrine I’m bringing with me in his absence. What a terrible choice to be faced with: do I ‘sacrifice’ one child to save another? Towards the end of January I knew I had no other option. Being commended on my progress told that my son would come home before his sister’s arrival….only to have that light snuffed out so cruelly….jolted me back to reality. As my attorney [and virtually everyone else with common sense] said, the net was being widened for Tatum, plain and simple. My daughter will not be placed in harm’s way nor will she ever be a victim of this grotesque system– she is protected. But soon enough I shall resume the uphill battle in dangerous territory to fight for Adam. I’m bawling now at the thought of how both of my children’s lives have been so severely impacted.
I pray that God is merciful and ends this nightmare before Tatum remembers much of it.
Adam and Gigi at Wilson's first birthday party, 1/10
Right before his bedtime last night Adam gave me a call to inquire about the big news Auntie spoke of earlier in the evening. His kind, gentle soul is so understanding. He knows that Tatum has to be born in a ‘special baby hospital’ so she will be safe and happy. God only knows what’s going through his overburdened head, but he assures me that he wants the best for sister. I reminded him that his sister would be born tomorrow. To which he said: “Whoa! Where does she come from?” In the past I told him babies fly out of a Mommy’s belly button [Although I believe in being as honest as possible with children at an age-appropriate level, he repeats everything, and I wasn't ready with a dazzling answer] so that’s what I said. “How does that work?” he asked, skeptically. When I told him my belly button opens up and out comes sister flying really fast he cackled like a maniac. “That’s really funny,” he said. “Flying sister.” Hearing him tell me that he loved me ‘with all his heart,’ that he missed me, and that he was ‘super excited’ to be a big brother….
Adam, I know you sometimes look at this blog to see the pictures. I hope that when you view the images here you remember how many people love you. Things have been so terrible for your little self these past few months and there is so little you understand. Please remember that there are people fighting for you around the clock. Remember where you come from, the wonderful childhood you’ve had, your family near and far. It will take tremendous effort but we will get things back to a state of normalcy for you. That I promise.
I love you, sweet boy. My heart breaks knowing you can’t be with me today. It makes me so angry and sad to think of how we’ve been robbed. When you get home from school you’ll be able to ‘meet’ your precious little sister….on Mommy’s YouTube account.
Somebody has an awesome GRRR face.
From the very beginning of this ordeal, I refused to pity myself. The emotional roller coaster I felt was something I tried to translate into the toll this was taking on Adam, my pregnancy, and the future of our family….and even then I tried to channel that negativity into something productive. Yet for the first time several days ago I couldn’t help but wonder if there was any rest for the weary.
My caseworker informed me that my presence was required at a newly– magically!– scheduled hearing taking place tomorrow. What can you do but laugh? Out of the kindness of their hearts I’m being allowed to phone in as opposed to actually appear. It goes without saying that the topic of this hearing is nothing that has to be discussed tomorrow nor is it anything that a signed letter faxed on my behalf can’t solve. But that would just be too easy to let me give birth in peace. So I eagerly anticipate having my cell phone ring in the hospital sometime tomorrow afternoon between 1:30-3:00 Pacific Standard Time. I’m so glad we clarified that– California’s scheduling as opposed to the local time here in Bora Bora where I’m enjoying my leisurely vacation.
Nobody will rain on my parade. It’s mind over matter. I’ve made the conscious decision not to let anything affect me today– I don’t mind– and nothing else matters. My focus today is bringing Tatum into this world.
Do I regain custody of my son? Will he go to my parents? Or continue to make beaucoup bucks for the state of California? He's been a pawn long enough...bring Adam home.
