Are You There God? It’s me, Sloane.

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With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

Ants

It’s truly the beginning of summer in the south when the ants go marching in– as in throughout your home.  Few are spared.  Cleanliness and tidiness prove irrelevant.  Once a colony sets up shop they call several hundred of their best friends only to multiply like….ants?

Fear not:  I guarantee my potion will exterminate all 439, 567, 034, 592, 103 of those pesky ants. 

ant1 cup sugar

3 cups warm water

3 tablespoons borax [I used 20 Mule Team]

Mix sugar and borax.  Slowly stir in warm water.  Voila, there’s your potion.

The quantity of this recipe gives you more than enough to take back your home and share some with a friend, so seal it in an airtight jar.  Pour solution into tops of plastic milk jugs or two liter soda bottles and place throughout infected areas.  KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN AND PETS.  Ingesting this can be fatal to any human or animal involved.  Let the ants sip on the sugary delight and take it back to the colony.  They’ll disperse it and– BAM!– colony eliminated.  You’re welcome.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

Leo, Ox, The Devil

In the not so distant past I lived in a terrible town in California and had way too much time on my hands.  If not for my iPhone– and my impeccable taste in apps– I probably would have succumbed to the ennui.  It is this extreme boredom that prompted me to obtain apps for my horoscope [complete with lovescope!], Chinese zodiac, and some tarot cards thrown in for good measure.  Let it be known that I don’t take these astrological speculations seriously.  Yet I also know that the stars have aligned and all things metaphysical must be coordinating on any given day when they all seem so….relevant.  ;)

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LEO:  The astral configuration may mean that a conversation that seems to begin with an argument could turn into a deep and very healing relationship.  The person that you encounter today could appear to be rather irritating, but once you get into a deeper discussion, you will find that this is just a surface trait.  Deep down they are all you have been waiting for.

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OX:  If you give the best of yourself professional success will be at  arm’s reach.  Your vitality will decrease significantly; eat better balanced foods.  You’ll be confronted with a difficult sentimental problem, but with the help of a friend you’ll get out of it.  To get rid of the blues it will be essential to take things with detachment.  You’ll be able to carry out profitable financial transactions; this day will be a particularly favorable moment to proceed to the purchase or the sale of a plot of land or a country house.

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THE DEVIL:  You need to see the situation as it is without wearing rose tinted glasses.  You need to free yourself from oppressive thoughts.  This card symbolizes the presence of an oppressive situation.  Perhaps someone is trying to take control over you, or perhaps you have to fight to resist feelings of greed, lust, or jealousy.  You are acting without thought for the consequences.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

International response

What do people in Algeria, Australia, Canada, France, Germany, Great Britain, Iceland, India, Mexico, Monaco, Netherlands, Nigeria, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Russia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Tunisia, United Arab Emirates, and the United States [the vast majority of the continental states + Alaska & Hawaii + Puerto Rico (even Guam)]have in common?
They’re all recent readers of this blog!
[[ Well maybe not all of them. Let me fantasize about my global following. A girl can dream, right? ]]

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Just one page of viewers on the map

Thank you for reading. Special thanks to all those return viewers. I hope you find something you enjoy on here. Now go and tell all of your friends– domestic and international– to visit Coctails With Hemingway.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane

Hear ye, hear ye

Blogging serves as my outlet for self-expression. It’s cathartic, enabling me to vent, while also fulfilling my creative need. It’s something I truly enjoy doing regardless of how many people are paying attention. Even if I’m not discussing anything deep– especially if I’m not discussing anything deep– I rely on this blog to occupy my time in a productive manner. More often than not it’s a distraction, which I need. But I absolutely will not allow it to become a stressor. So if that means skipping a few days [or weeks], announcing things on my terms, omitting some things, beating a dead horse into the ground with other things, rambling nonsensically or being rendered speechless, controlling who can read certain entries, or anything else I can do as the Queen/Dictator/Divine Ruler/President of Cocktails With Hemingway….that’s my prerogative.

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Malnourished, underweight, exhausted, stressed to the max, depressed, broken, feeling awkward because of the camera, and halfheartedly attempting a smile…this is me. Taken this morning at Marisha’s it is the most current picture I have.

So I’m going to jump into the March Blog Challenge on the current day instead of panicking that I’ll never catch up starting from the beginning. No deadlines bind me to optional, self-imposed projects that aren’t important. I’ll do it when I do it and if it doesn’t get done oh well. The same goes for my photo edits. Of course I respect your time– just look at what a stickler I am for punctuality. Being prompt and efficient is extremely important to me. However, I am doing you a favor, so please don’t pester me. Why should I work myself into a frenzy because I need a few more day? Do remember that I’m taking time I really don’t have to do something special for you. For free. We don’t have a contract and I’m not getting paid for my efforts. With that being said….if you want some of my creations [and are patient and respectful] don’t hesitate to ask. Like blogging, my foray into ‘visual arts’ is quite enjoyable. Just don’t send more than 5 photos at a time.

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I made this for my parents. While Mom pursued graduate studies in Nashville, Dad manned artillery in Vietnam. These pictures come from the summer of ’69.

Now I’ll switch to some lighter fare.

People never cease to amaze me with their…puzzling…behaviors. Whether it’s a blatant disregard for the law or your own life, these two made me laugh out loud. The next logical step is their cohabitation. Not paying rent frees up considerably money for his ‘extracurricular activities’ thus ensuring he’s never sleeping and hypervigilant [not to mention aggressive, paranoid, erratic]. Who better to provide on site security for this foreign national and her authority complex? She’ll be warned before those pesky cops arrive with plenty of time to flee the scene. They’ll be luxe squatting all over the world.

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One of my dear friends, a police officer, had an interesting night on the job.

There is nothing funny about congestive heart failure. There is nothing funny about drug addiction. It’s actually quite sad and disturbing. Paging Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, anyone?

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‘Abka Re Bey’ a.k.a. Tabitha Gentry
Sovereign Citizen & Moorish National

Do you see any trace of remorse on this face? Of course not. Homegirl knows she got free rent and lots of attention. I would advise her to enjoy those 15 minutes now because I hear time passes slowly in prison….but she’ll never be incarcerated for any significant amount of time. She doesn’t acknowledge legal authority so jail won’t acknowledge her. That’s how it works, right? I’m a sovereign citizen of my own little planet. You cannot image how relieved I am to know that upon my return to Memphis I won’t have to worry about saving for a house. The first unoccupied home for sale that I stumble upon is mine for the taking and I won’t have to spend a dime!

[[SIDENOTE: Quite a few years of my youth were spent in this gorgeous home. One of my best friends and her family lived there. Abka Re Bey could not have picked a more stunning estate. Although I’m sure it looked much better with furniture, especially considering the flawless decor I observed during my time on 600 Shady Grove.

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Jamie Jeanette Craft

I’ve never been arrested. But by God, if the law must take me…..let them take me pantless and ‘fleeing the scene’ in a battery operated Power Wheels truck.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane

MBC1

• March Blog Challenge •
Day 1: A self portrait + 5 random facts

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My friend, Preston, captured this image in 2005 during a spring photo shoot at the historic Peabody Hotel in Memphis. Megan Childers [favorite roomie and actual roomie at the time!] served as my partner in crime. We frolicked around downtown, laughing and feeling famous as we played model. I adored my strapless , formfitting dress. It made me feel glamorous and feminine– a radical departure from my tomboy style– and I distinctly remember a sense of maturity that was otherwise foreign to my 19 year old college self. The red dress with black polka dots gave me a figure [prior to my childbearing curves I rocked the physique of a fifth grade boy], much to my delight. Overall I felt stylish, elegant, sassy, playful…and exhausted. This was one of the last pictures Preston snapped. I love the way my multicolored bracelets [to this day I still wear dozens of them] are visible. Getting dolled up without compromising my identity created lasting memories. It was a fun day during a very fun time in my life.

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If the phone rings at my favorite newspaper, I answer it, regardless of employment status. Maris took this picture of me at my old desk taking a call during my last trip home [December 2012]. Note the Jersey Shore shirt.

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I uploaded a “25 Random Facts About Me” note to Facebook three years ago. Ten items didn’t make the cut whereas I copied the rest. Present day commentary is italicized.

#1) In case you haven’t noticed, I live on my own planet most of the time. My little universe consists of a plethora of books/magazines [I'd rather read than talk], abundant internet usage, and immersing myself in whatever captivates me at the moment….but I always come back to reality and get things done. Well, most of the time.
I cringe now as I read that statement. While every word is true, it is not immediately clear that I am describing ‘me’ time versus family time. My children get 100% of my focus 100% of the time. I just can’t say the same for adults. ;)

#2) Two of my worst vices are celebrity gossip [I check Perez Hilton religiously- heaven forbid I miss out on important news] and really bad television. Especially MTV. 16 & Pregnant, Teen Mom 1 & 2, Jersey Shore, True Life– I can’t get enough. For the longest time I tried to keep this ‘problem’ under wraps. Yet one day during a 3000-level philosophy class on campus an Us Weekly fell out of my backpack. Busted. I decided then to embrace it.
It’s been almost a year since I’ve had cable and the funds for magazines so I’ve learned to do without…except People magazine and the free TMZ app.

#3) I was adopted at birth. Overall I’m quite indifferent to this fact. I’m not upset or harboring resentment, I’ve just never really cared. However, I am currently in the process of obtaining medical records for the sake of Adam.
Those efforts were suspended due to an unexpected fee and will continue as soon as I am able.

#4) Through my family I can claim Reese Witherspoon, Mark Twain, and John McCain as my relatives or people that have married into our cozy bunch.
That hasn’t changed.

#5) Sports are not my cup of tea. But I do enjoy playing hockey and water polo and watching motocross.
That hasn’t changed either.

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#6) I am a sucker for a Bloody Mary or a Red Stripe beer.
Mmm….

#7) If I could have any ‘superhero power,’ I would choose to be fluent in every language that ever existed and would speak them all frequently.
I wish.

#8) Cotton balls terrify me and I refuse to touch them. As for other phobias, I hate flying, but I have to do it…I’m a nervous wreck on board an aircraft vessel. You do not want to sit next to me.
Oprah had a woman on her now defunct talk show who shared my irrational fear. Oprah also said San Luis Obispo was the happiest place in America. Boy, do I have some bombshells for Ms. Winfrey….

#9) Communication is my weakest link. I hate talking on the phone. I won’t call you unless it’s an emergency. Texting isn’t my forte either. Please don’t ever take it personally if I’m not the best at speaking with you and can never initiate a conversation.
Why can’t we all just email each other?

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#10) To say I am a liberal is an understatement. Women’s issues [especially pro-choice ones], safety for children, rights of LGBT individuals, equality, justice, compassion, kindness, peace, liberty….these things are so important to me.
Add to this list a massive overhaul of Child ‘Welfare” Services. Reforms in Family Court. Protect those innocent kids who did nothing to deserve such a fate.

#11) I am painfully shy. Sometimes it takes me years to warm up to people. But once you get me started, I don’t stop! I’m like a sponge. I sit quietly and absorb everything.
Sarcasm is a virtue and silence is golden. Both are also my defense mechanisms.

#12) If you really want to see me panic, give me ‘bad’ attention. An example of bad attention is a surprise party or servers singing to me in a crowded restaurant. ‘Good’ attention includes public speaking and/or recognition for my accomplishments.
It’s a fine line between praise and panic attack.

#13) Currently I have 9 tattoos and plan on getting at least 9 more. Sorry, Mom and Dad. All of my tattoos are in black ink. I don’t do colors. They are beautiful on others but not for me. My tattoos are words and symbols as opposed to illustrations.
Now I have 13.

#14) Writing is my passion. I will be published. There are too many stories I have to tell and topics to explore for me to remain silent.
AMEN.

#15) I am such a daredevil. This has toned down significantly since I became a mother but I’ll do anything to get an adrenaline rush.
I can’t wait to leap from a plane in the Memphis sky, parachute through the Memphis air, and land on the Memphis ground.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane

March blog challenge

As a part of my ongoing effort to balance Cocktails With Hemingway I decided to participate in a daily blog challenge for the month of March. If I can do it on Instagram then I can do it here too. Pay no mind to the fact that we’re already five days into the month.

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DISCLAIMER: Everything you see on this blog comes from my iPhone. Meaning I essentially send the equivalent of dozens– if not thousands– of text messages to create a single entry. Show mercy on me and my poor arthritic thumbs if we fall behind.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane

Sock it to me

The wonder socks

Danielle came to visit two nights ago.  As if her gorgeous face wasn’t enough she came bearing gifts:  a Monster and some SOCKS!  Footsie coverings may not seem like anything special but I’m incessantly complaining about my dry feet [and, um, I never wear socks] and Danielle must have gotten the memo.  I don’t know what the material is called but it’s super comfortable.  Bonus points for the fact that they are dark– I’m not a fan of white socks– and subtle enough for daily wear.  Major bonus points for the fact that they have grips on the soles.  Thank you for an spectacular present, Danielle!

Meme and Tay Tay

My Tennessee time is very limited.  If you want cute pictures with my child and me, act now.  It’s difficult for me to move and I require lots of help with Tatum….but if you’re up to the challenge we’re up to having you.  Contact me to schedule a good time.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

Oxford Comma WIN

Amen.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

What is THIS?!

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So I originally planned to write about my relaxing day, spent at the job I love while my little man enjoyed school.  I wanted nothing more than to chronicle the mundane– yet delightful– aspects of my [what I hope] typical Wednesday.  Scrolling through my phone for pictures to give you a visual I completely forgot I had captured THE THING.

As I locked up the office something strange caught my eye on the ground.  Was it a giant leaf?  Some sort of plastic?  A fake bug somebody dropped out of their Halloween bucket?  Upon closer examination I discovered it was a very real bug and very alive.

I’m a huge coward when it comes to spiders indoors but arachnids don’t bother me outside nor am I squeamish about insects in general….but this was like a new superspecies of nasty.  The picture doesn’t do it justice.  This grotesque alien-like bundle of disgusting needed its own zip code and had some sort of external shell almost like a crustascean.  Major no bueno.

….but like a train wreck I simply couldn’t look away.  And I felt compelled to document my strange finding.  It appeared to be missing a leg and have part of its side wedged in between the bricks.  I squatted down as close as I dared and snapped the money shot.  Whether it was the phone looming large on his horizon or the sound of the camera or both, homeboy got mad.  He started shaking his tail area like he was trying to sting me and I just knew he wanted to kill me.  He was always gross but now he was evil and gross and wanted to spear me or whatever methods of torture he had at his disposal.  I bolted out of there, waddling as fast as possible hoping he wasn’t flying after me or sending more of his kind, and sought shelter at my bank until I felt safe.

Hyberpole aside, does anyone know what the heck that thing is?  I don’t ever want to see it again.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

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