Devastation

12 Mar 2012 1 Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in Adam, Anger, Disappointment, Divorce, Drugs, Family, Grief, Heartbreak, Outrage, Parenting, Single mama, Tatum, Upset, Will Reed

DISCLAIMER:  Mentioning Will in Cocktails With Hemingway exacerbates an already precarious situation.  How do I tread that fine line?  Appearing ‘too soft’ on him sends the message that I’m making excuses for his deplorable behavior or leaving the door open for a reconciliation of some sorts.  Both of these are completely false.  Conversely, if I drag his name through the mud, I am no better than him.  My refusal to lower myself to that sort of behavior speaks volumes about my integrity.  Not only is it counterproductive to launch a character assassination on him but it detracts focus from what is most important– bringing Adam home.  I work diligently to keep Will from dominating  my posts..  Let me be the first to tell you how difficult that is.  I could easily create a blog devoted solely to my estranged husband– there’s no shortage of overwhelmingly negative emotions– yet I can no longer suppress my feelings.

One of our few family photos: Adam's 3rd birthday.

Last week I discovered Will took a one-way Greyhound to San Diego where he is now living with ‘friends.’  He blew off a visit with Adam, gave the Salvation Army some sob story to obtain his ticket, and told the CPS worker he was turning himself into jail.  Nobody’s heard from him since.

Thanks to Facebook, the entire world can see that Will did indeed arrive safely in San Diego.  His default picture shows him highly intoxicated and the images and statuses he post reference alcohol and partying.  I’m not surprised.  Not even the brazen nature of his virtual display shocks me.  What I wasn’t expecting was for him to leave the county to engage in such debauchery.  By doing so he effectively threw in the towel when it comes to the court battle for Adam, abandoning him completely with his decision to leave.  And I doubt he’ll ever come back.

My heart’s not broken, at least not in the traditional sense.  It is our precious children who have the broken hearts.  I attempt to absorb their pain fully so they never have to feel it.  These are not my tears I cry, they are Adam’s and Tatum’s.  The thought of our innocent kids being hurt– by their own parent nonetheless– fills me with an overwhelming despair.

My cousin's wedding in spring '11

How can anyone abandon their children?  These past few weeks I’ve spent away from Adam– sacrificing one child to save another– have been hell on earth without my baby boy.  Despite all the joy surrounding Tatum’s birth and first three weeks of life, I was acutely aware of every second of Adam’s very conspicuous absence.  Abandoning a traumatized, sad, confused, angry, child to travel 200 miles north to pursue partying?  Deplorable doesn’t even begin to describe it.

Knowing that my son’s not being visited by either of his parents during this time is heartbreaking.  My rage towards Will is completely justifiable but I won’t allow it to consume me.  How dare he?  After this awful nightmare he created, he suddenly jumps ship leaving me in the wake of  his destruction.  Adam and Tatum are not pawns and this is not a game.    

He didn’t even bother to call his Aunt regarding Tatum’s birth.  That’s one memory I’ll never share with her.  Does he somehow cope by pretending she doesn’t exist?

Gone are the days of ‘justifying’ his poor parenting behavior with his addiction to drugs and alcohol because I don’t feel sorry for him anymore.  He is an addict who needs serious, long-term rehabilitation yet refuses it.  What more can anyone do?  People on both sides of the family have done everything in their power to get him into treatment.  We can only do so much.  You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. 

My first pregnancy was filled with glee.

Never again will I make the mistake that cost me my son:  no third chance exists for Will.  He’s a con artist who weaseled his way back into our lives and I was foolish enough to believe his empty promises.  As if opening the door to the chaos that is Will wasn’t enough….I stupidly followed him across the county upon discovering I was pregnant….leaving behind everything I knew and everyone I loved.  Even worse, I let a two week window where I could have left California with Adam lapse because Will begged and pleaded for the chance to “be civil adults who are close friends and co-parents.”  I have no one to blame except myself for these egregious errors and I profoundly regret them every day. 

Monumental are the ways in which this entire family– and especially Adam– have been ruined by Will.  Past damage is irreversible yet the future lies in my hands.  I will not allow him to infiltrate our lives again.  Will and I will never ‘co-parent;’ there’s no possible way for us to be friends or even communicate; I’m renewing the order of protection after December 2014; our divorce is pending; child support will be paid for Tatum, eventually, Adam too; he doesn’t deserve my forgiveness; I don’t have an ounce of pity for him; I’ve stopped trying to understand him; and I finally understand that the father of my children will never be Daddy or my loving husband.  Case closed.  Time to pick up the pieces and rebuild our lives.  We deserve better.

Earlier I spoke of my overwhelming despair.  Now I must make it my mission to seek its antithesis– hope.  Three words best define my little family:  love, strength, and resiliency.  The Reeds are surrounded by love.  My faith is unshakable and my own strength never ceases to amaze me.  Even my children, with less than five years between them, consistently demonstrate how strong they are too.  Our resilience ensures not only our capacity to survive, but to thrive.  It is an honor to be Mommy, Daddy, and everything in between to Adam and Tatum.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

Terrible Awful: 2011 edition

31 Dec 2011 2 Comments

by Cocktails With Hemingway in * R. i. P. *, Anger, Court, Dating, Divorce, Domestic Violence, Fear, Frustration, Grumpy old Sloane, Health, Holidays, Home Sweet Home, Homesick, Housing, Injustice, Legal issues, Memphis, No bueno, NYE, Outrage, Parenting, Pet Peeves, Relationships, Sickness, Single mama, Stress

No word exists in the English language to quantify how abominable, appalling, atrocious, bad, calamitous, deplorable, deplorable, dreadful, horrible, intolerable, miserable, repulsive, tragic, unbearable, and wretched year 2011 was for me.  Combine every adjective you just read and multiply it by a million.  That’s my year!  We’ll steal Minnie Jackson’s terminology and refer to it as the ‘Terrible Awful.’ 

Temporary catharsis is all I seek.  Factors beyond my control dictate the terms for certain grievances….and I have no choice other than to carry them with me into the new year.  Obviously there is a massive Terrible Awful that makes all others pale in comparison– and some of these seem more innocuous than others– but this is my time to complain.

Minnie's done somethin' Terrible Awful!

So let’s knockout my woeful [and oftentimes incensed] lamentations as quickly as possible.  Without further ado, 11 things I despised about 2011:

1)  Sloane versus Child ‘Welfare’ Services.  I’m not even going to dignify them with three sentences so we’ll end here at two.

2)  Never in my life do I want to make another appearance in a courtroom in the county of San Luis Obispo.  Much to my chagrin I can think of at least two more dates where I’ll be scheduled to appear.  Whether it’s custody issues, my divorce, or testifying in another case the legal process drags on ad infinitum.  This is neither the time nor the place for me to discuss why I’m a VIP in the courts here, but I wanted to take this opportunity to assure you that I’m not a criminal– my little wrists have never felt the cold metal of handcuffs!– nor have I been charged with anything.  I’m a law abiding citizen who has done nothing wrong, though as you can imagine from the categories I mentioned above this is seemingly endless red tape.

3)  My marriage came to a screeching halt.  While I’m not divorced [see #4], it’s completely over, and that upsets me tremendously.  Will and I were estranged for over three years of our marriage so I’m used to him not being in the picture.  Yet I was [naive and foolish] so hopeful that our daughter could allow us to have a fresh start….for a very intelligent woman isn’t that a stupid thought?  And it’s not myself I worry about– I’m fiercely independent and prefer being unattached– but my children.  They deserve a loving and attentive father who provides for them, a father who treats their mother with courtesy and respect even though they are no longer involved.  I want to be able to co-parent and have a dear friend in my former spouse.  Given the circumstances that simply can’t happen.  We’ll never be a Bruce and Demi.  The union of Sloane and Will didn’t just succumb to ‘irreconcilable differences’ or fizzle and fade.  How do I explain this to the kids?  “Sorry Adam, Daddy can’t come with you to Father/Son day at school because it violates the terms of the restraining order.” 

4)  Residency requirements are not my friend in the state of California.  Until the marriage is dissolved on paper, any custody issues are infinitely more complex, as is anything that pertains to domestic violence.  I want to give birth to Tatum and come to our cozy apartment to recuperate and spend quality time with my children.  My biggest concern should be separation anxiety from my infant when I return to work, not dealing with a divorce.  Because as luck would have it– of course!– I don’t exist on paper in the state of California until one day before Tatum’s arrival.

14 month old Adam in the CAR wearing his cow suit. I sure do miss my CAR. Having a CAR is a very nice thing.

5)  Being homeless– can we say major no bueno?  Granted, I was never on the streets panhandling and sleeping on cardboard…but there was a period of two and a half weeks where Adam and I lived in a motel.  I cannot even begin to describe to you how agonizing and stressful it is to not know where you are going to sleep past the next few nights, especially when you have a child.  The ‘transient’ time between my unexpected departure from the women’s shelter and my joyous arrival in my apartment was brutal.  And the troubles hadn’t even started!

6)  Would you be surprised if I told you I was unbelievably homesick?  Between a period of not having a home– literally– and being 3000 miles away from the place I’ve known as home for the first quarter century of my life.  The overwhelming majority of the amazing people I call friends are east of the Mississippi River clustered around the Hernando DeSoto Bridge [a.k.a. the new bridge].  I even miss Memphis.  Around here all the financial establishments sound so….corporate.  How could I possibly trust anyone with my personal accounting that doesn’t work for Mo’ Money Taxes?

7)  This is quite difficult to discuss but once upon a time I had a car.  Not just any car, a gorgeous BMW X3 in a dazzling silver color.  It was glorious.  Beyond glorious.  When I drove alone the speedometer went to 345943945435943 in no time at all.  When driving with Adam I trusted my safe and reliable vehicle.  Sometime during the hour where Alyssa and I were getting acupuncture in our ears [trying valiantly to cleanse ourselves of bad juju and stress less, unbeknownst to me, my car met its untimely demise while it was a certain someone's DUI chariot.

[[ Sidenote:  When I took this picture I moved his car seat strap down so he would smile.  It's clearly not secure and that's not how he rode while we were actually moving in the vehicle.  You can never be too cautious with clarifying these things. ]]

8)  Sloane, meet poverty.  There is nobody to blame for this except yours truly but I had zero savings when I needed it the most.  Even cheap motels get costly.  Come apartment time, I had to furnish it [though I received tons of generous gifts for which I am so thankful], and then they wanted rent again after already getting the first month and a security deposit?!  Then came the introductory bills for various places.  And Christmas.  Blah, blah, blah.

Absolutely no relevance to this post, but it's a cool picture

9)  This was a lousy, sickly year for my health.  Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritiually, I was simply not healthy– which understandably took its toll.  I should have known what to expect when I went for a ‘wellness checkup’ the second week of January….and slipped on a patch of ice dislocating my knee, almost tearing my MCL, and getting a swollen and inflamed meniscus.  Well then.

10)  What the hell was I thinking when it came to dating?!  My first ex of the year I wish nothing but the best for….it simply ran its course.  We were both reluctant to jump ship and it should have ended a lot sooner.  I thank him for handling it like a gentleman and having the courtesy and respect to not talk poorly of me, just as I do for him.  Next one of my very best friends and I tried our luck at being a couple for two weeks:  epic fail.  Then there was….I’m scared if  even mention it in too much detail I’ll hear a knock at my patio door and he’ll be outside with an ax despite the fact that he’s thousands of miles away.  He’s said it himself he’ll “never stop harassing me.”   Suffice it to say he’s a deranged stalker who is profoundly disturbing and highly unstable.  And finally there was that attempted reconciliation with Will.  That certainly ended well!

11)  People.  Behaving.  Badly.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

“A Fond Farewell”

24 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in Adam, Changes, Child Abuse, Controversy, Divorce, Domestic Violence, Family, Friends, Motherhood, Moving, No bueno, Paso Robles, Will Reed, Women

We’re in Wine Country!
Adam debuts his new buzz cut shortly before we left Atascadero. Bonus points for the messy mouth.
The 4G Samsung Exhibit

What a month.  How can I even attempt to explain the myriad of events unfolding in the pivotal [life changing, draining, upsetting, frustrating, liberating, chaotic, isolating, emotional, and that's only to name a few] month of September?  Words fail me completely.  Do I even want to discuss most of this?  No, I don’t.  Yet there is a part of me that wants to reveal everything– loudly and clearly so there is zero confusion– because there are so many things that need to be said.  My son has endured unimaginable heartache and I am not going to add to his distress by conducting myself in a way that is not in strict accordance with the woman and mother I am….it his his privacy and our dignity as a family that I seek to preserve at all costs. 

While staying at the house in Atascadero belonging to Will’s aunt and uncle, Adam witnessed a physical action [I was not hurt-- and I'm certainly not making excuses for grossly inappropriate behavior-- but in the grand scheme of things the contact was relatively mild] against me.  Most upsetting was the fact that I was called cruel names while my toddler son was sitting five feet away.  Knowing that my innocent child was subjected to verbal abuse against his mother….I still cannot process that fully.  The legal component to ‘the incident’ has no place in Cocktails With Hemingway and I will not mention it in my blog, ever. 

Adam and I left the home and relocated to Paso Robles [a gorgeous place that I fell in love with instantly], two towns away from Atascadero, also within San Luis Obispo County.  We are living in a private home [there are four units total] for women and families that are in a major transitional phase of their lives.  Each of us have our own spacious rooms, bathrooms, kitchen, and living area.  The resources, compassion, and support available to us are incredible beyond measure….I will be forever indebted to this phenomenal organization for all they have done for Adam and me.  Whether it’s shuttling me to a prenatal appointment, making arrangments for play therapy for Adam, honoring my special requests for fresh spinach and ridiculous amounts of cheese, offering baby sitting services when I have obligations, or anything in between– we have so much love and assistance as we get on our feet in less than ideal circumstances.

Here I will tread very lightly and say that Adam has been profoundly affected by numerous factors since we have come to California.  As expected ‘the incident’ proved incredibly traumatic to him…and all of the many transformations he has made with our move to the west coast have been overwhelming.  I’m not going to elaborate on his behavior [suffice it to say he has been acting out] but he is significantly affected by the things he has seen and heard combined with countless changes.  With the assistance of my new home, I acted quickly to get him in therapy, and he has been very vocal and revealing with his therapist.  Making sure he receives extra love and attention– coupled with an emphasis on his feelings and positive reinforcement– while maintaining firm boundaries and explaining the consequences of actions is how I handle this from a parental standpoint.  Also, he is a priority enrollment case at a local school here, so we’re hoping a spot opens and he can begin the program as soon as possible.

Yes we’re divorcing.

Literally I can feel my mind shutting down [this post has drained me and I am on medication to treat a concussion] so I fear I’m going to be rambling from this point forward.  I wanted to further expound on the amazing people I have met here and all of the kindness I have received.  The only times I have cried since any of this have been happy tears because of others.  My housemate, Brandi, is such an incredible woman and it has been such a privelege getting to know her and calling her a friend.  Everyone in Memphis is loved and missed and I appreciate everyone’s support.

To answer the question on everyone’s mind:  I am NOT returning to Memphis and will remain in California, even after the pregnancy. 

Despite everything that has happened I love it here and can’t see myself anywhere else.  My short-term plan involves the best possible life for Adam, a healthy pregnancy and saving money.  I am doing everything in my power to parent Adam lovingly and effectively through these challenges, as a team, and getting him every resource at his disposal.  I am exercising daily with walks, eating healthily, and trying to reduce stress.  I am on the interview circuit for part-time opportunities and in the process of fixing my laptop so I can continue to receive income from freelancing and even surveys– and yes, government assistance in a variety of forms.  Come what may, I know that I am a strong and resilient woman who can handle anything life throws at me….and as long as I remember that I can only control myself I can get through this. 

Endless thanks to Chris DeFranco– one of my dearest friends for seven years now– for generously gifting me with a cell phone.  He exceeded all expectations by sending a fully loaded 4G  smart phone with a touch screen….yet another act of kindness that moved me to tears.  Being able to have a phone is such a relief as I navigate the interview circuit, my many appointments, and the blessing of being able to communicate instantaneously with family and friends.  I love you, Chris.  Thank you for all you have done for me.  To say I value your friendship immensely is an understatement.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane