Rest in Peace, Rick

13 May 2013 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in * R. i. P. *, Atascadero, Death, Friends

“He who doesn’t fear death dies only once.” ~ Giovanni Falcone

Today I received the devastating news of Rick’s passing.  A dear friend of mine from Atascadero, we met under the most unusual circumstances, but I’ll never forget my first impression.  The times we spent together with little group were filled with so much laughter.  I never thought I’d shed so many tears over somebody who made me so happy.  Rick was a true gentleman with a heart of gold.

rick

I took this at Terry’s in January.  Rick acted bashful and said it had been years since anybody took his picture.  He asked why I wanted to capture this image and I told him that I wanted to be able to put in my scrapbook to show my Memphis friends their 805 counterparts who got me through the worst time in my life.  When he saw the picture he loved it and asked me to print a copy for his son, which I did.  In retrospect, I felt compelled to take this picture, and I am so glad I did.  That night he told us that we were amongst his best friends and he was so glad to know us.

mdo

Montana de Oro

Rick always said that Montana de Oro was the most beautiful place on earth and he wanted to take my friend and me before I went back to Tennessee.  I’m so sorry we never got the chance to go.  Trying to focus on the positive is exceedingly difficult right now, but I cannot help but smile when I think of our gift exchange.  We’d give each other little trinkets whenever we saw each other.  Despite constant crying as I write this entry I’m laughing as I recall my last ‘swag’ from Rick:  a bottle of delicious wine from Paso Robles, a giant pink bathrobe– because it was the only article of women’s clothing available at the end of a garage sale– and he wanted to be sure he got me something, and [upon hearing me complain about my rough feet] a Ped-Egg….that formerly belonged to his sister.  God love him.

prayer

I wholeheartedly believe that your soul leaves your body the second your heart stops beating.  His soul flew into the heavens immediately and that comforts me.  The earthly shell is no more, but nobody deserves that….

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

Ashlyn’s Angel Year

08 Mar 2013 1 Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in * R. i. P. *, Angels, California, Changes, Death, Grief, Heartbreak, Moving, Women

“We can’t know why the lily has so brief a time to bloom in the warmth of sunlight’s kiss upon its face before it folds into its fragrance and bids the world good night to rest its beauty in a gentler place. But we can know that nothing that is loved is ever lost and no one who has touched a heart can really pass away because some beauty lingers on in each memory of which they’ve been a part.” ~ Ellen Brenneman

*~*Ashlyn Michele Fancher-Pena*~*
12/27/10 – 3/8/12

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:: Fly high, baby girl. <3 ::

A year ago today a very special princess got her wings. She was only 14 months old when she became an angel. That’s Tatum’s age next month….

Oh, how I ache for Chrissy and Tim. They lost their precious daughter. Why? It’s so cruel and unfair. All of our lives were irrevocably changed.

I will forever cherish the moments I spent holding Ashlyn in my arms as I felt Tatum kicking in my belly. Those chubby cheeks and that sweet smile stay with me. My mind still cannot comprehend this tragedy. And I desperately need to start that process.

    Rest in peace, Ashlyn. <3
    You are loved, missed, and never forgotten

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane

Ashlyn’s ashes

23 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in * R. i. P. *, Angels, Da Real Homiez, Death, Grief, Upset

The better portion of this past week has been spent in San Luis Obispo at Chrissy’s house. Most nights have been spent with my dear friend and her sweet son, Xander. She can’t be alone and we grieve together. I drove her to Santa Barbara today to pick up Ashlyn’s ashes. We cried and cried. My poor Chrissy. No parent should have to ride home clutching their daughter’s urn. Her remains were wrapped in her favorite princess blanket, still smelling of the sweet little angel gone too soon.

Some have cautioned that it may be too much for me to endure her heartbreak as well…Ashlyn’s loss is crushing. This past week– especially today– has left me drained. Yet it helps me as it hurts me. Being there for Chrissy fulfills my spirit. Helping my friends helps my heart, mind, and soul.

So why haven’t I written about all this? For whatever reason I still cannot get online at my apartment and Chrissy doesn’t have the Internet at hers. I’ve been blogging on my laptop and will go to the library to upload them all to WordPress tomorrow. Not being able to share my thoughts in ‘real time’ has been both a blessing and a curse. As nice as it is to unplug and reflect within myself, I desperately need an outlet.

Thank you for everyone who has kept us in your prayers. We truly appreciate the support. Give us strength for our journeys as we face long and difficult roads….

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane

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Whitney Houston

11 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in * R. i. P. *, Death, Drugs

I like this picture very much-- she looks contemplative yet healthy.

“Houston won two Emmy Awards, six Grammy Awards, 30 Billboard Music Awards, 22 American Music Awards during her record-breaking career. Her album ‘Whitney’ was the first female album to ever debut at #1 on the Billboard Charts. She has sold 200 million albums world wide.” - TMZ  [I choose to remember Whitney Houston this way.]

Whitney Houston died this afternoon.  My heart goes out to her daughter, Bobbi Kristina, and all of those affected by her loss.  Adding to the tragedy of her untimely passing is the fact that it was most likely preventable.  While no conclusive results have been released to determine the cause of death….it is no secret that she struggled very publicly with addiction.  Whether or not drugs contributed directly to what ultimately took her life, any ‘natural causes’ are certainly exacerbated by a body that has been worn down by years of abuse, and there is no possible way she could have had the same sort of good health as a 48 year old woman without her demons.

Celebrities with drug and alcohol problems have every resource at their disposal to seek help– if they choose to accept it.  Being constantly surrounded by ‘yes men’ and other enablers [most of them on the payroll] makes it extremely difficult to extricate yourself from a dangerous situation.  Money and fame won’t solve your problems.  Junkies on the street don’t have the luxury of spending hundreds of thousands of dollars for a top of the line rehabilitation facility.  It’s all so tragic.  Addiction doesn’t discriminate.  Nobody is immune. 

You can only do so much for a person who doesn’t want to help themselves, but I have to wonder:  did anyone actively try and stop a person who was clearly self-destructing?  Has anyone attempted to intervene with Demi Moore?  Lindsay Lohan?  I mention celebrities only because everyone knows these individuals.  We all have some mere mortals to add to this list.  How hard do you try before somebody is deemed a lost cause?  Is anyone ever too far gone?  Can somebody like that truly change their ways or is it always a vicious cycle?  Lord knows I’ve struggled with these concepts….sometime you have to accept the fact that you can’t save everyone and disengage.

You will be missed, Whitney.  May you find the peace in death that seemed to evade you in life.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

Too young to feel this old

06 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in Christianity, Death, Memories, Pregnancy, Religious Works, The Bible, The Wee One

“Life passes most people by while they’re making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I’ve left pieces of my heart here and there. And now there’s almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door.”

There I am, second from the left, circa 1991. Before I was old and jaded. ;)

Note to self:  don’t ever take an iron pill on an empty stomach.  I’ve never had such an excruciatingly  painful headache.  Convinced I was having an aneurysm or something equally horrific I grabbed the phone to call for help….only to have the pain temporarily subside and be rocked with intense waves of nausea forcing me to curl up in the fetal position [at least to the best of my ability with a gigantic fetus] and whimper.  My heart goes out to everyone who suffers from migraines because I imagine they must be equally terrible.

I’m tired, cranky, and still feeling the lingering effects from the wrath of ferrous sulfate.  Forgive me for complaining.  2012 will be paradise for the sole fact that it’s not 2011– yet the year is already off to a dismal start and we’re not even a week into it.  Must there be any more death and tragedy?  I’m too young to feel this old.  By the time I reach my thirtieth birthday I’ll have an 8 year old son, 4 year old daughter, far too many deceased friends, and more ‘life experience’ [that's the nicest euphemism I can produce] with grief than I can even articulate.

Here’s a Bible verse I appreciate from Romans 15:13.  “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”  Hope and inner peace, those are two things that no one or nothing can ever take from me.

TOMORROW ADAM AND I ARE GOING TO SEE TATUM ON HER 3D ULTRASOUND!!!

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

The last enemy?

03 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in * R. i. P. *, Death, Miracles

“Death is the last enemy:  once we’ve got past that I think everything will be alright.” ~ Alice Thomas Ellis

One of my angels, Ashley <3

Take that quote as you will.  I find it deeply comforting and strangely uplifting.  It’s a subtle spiritual nuance yet an overt declaration of the power of faith.  Or perhaps it’s something different entirely and there is no religious context.  Maybe death’s not even the enemy….within seemingly concrete meanings there is plenty of room for interpretation.

A fatal car crash back home on new year’s took the life of a young man and critically injured the woman to whom he was about to propose and also his brother.  Alcohol caused the accident.  It is not my place to twist the knife even deeper in a community that’s grieving– losing somebody is a tragedy regardless of the circumstances– but this tragedy was entirely preventable.  Drinking and driving has very real consequences.  How many more accidents and deaths will it take?

I found out this afternoon that a guy who went to the boys school next door to mine passed away yesterday.  Out of respect for his family and friends– I didn’t know him very well– I’m not disclosing any details.  What I will say is this was a genuinely kind person who, at least from what I observed, marched to the beat of his own drum [and that's one of the highest compliments I can give somebody] and will be sorely missed by many.  May he find peace.

Tonight I went to the L&D with severe lower abdominal pains.  We were discharged shortly thereafter and everything is fine.  My ligaments are stretched from my first pregnancy, apparently I move around too much and lift more than I should, and Tatum’s so strong her movements oftentimes cause me pain.  As I waited in the lobby of the ER for my ride, a woman came running through the doors, absolutely frantic.  There was a motionless baby in her arms, eyes closed and as white as a ghost.  She was screaming at the top of her lungs that she couldn’t wake her 8 month old son.  He hung limp like a rag doll in her arms and I just about had a heart attack right there.  Between sobs I couldn’t really make out her story but before she could even finish speaking the doors opened a team of doctors ran out and put the baby on a stretcher.  I was beyond traumatized– I thought for sure I had just seen a dead infant and was about to faint when my ride arrived.

I simply couldn’t stop thinking about it.  Crying, upset, shaking, and unable to eat I couldn’t stand not knowing.  Figuring they wouldn’t release any information, I decided to call the ER, and they knew who I was as soon as they heard my voice.  Of course she was not allowed to tell me anything– but understand how profoundly affected I was– so the duty nurse told me that the doctors were able to revive him and he would be okay.  I almost fell to the floor I was so overjoyed and relieved.  That poor child’s pale, lifeless face is forever etched into my mind….but I am so grateful he is alive.  What a MIRACLE.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

Christopher Hitchens

17 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in * R. i. P. *, Authors, Christopher Hitchens, Death, Heroes, Illness, Journalists, Writing

1949-2011

Last night sleep evaded me, a rarity in this late stage of pregnancy.  I simply couldn’t shake the feeling that somebody was about to pass and I needed to remain awake until I received closure.  It wasn’t that gut wrenching panic associated with the agony of losing a loved one….more like a sort of unfinished business that I felt compelled to attend to before I went to bed.  For hours I stayed up, strangely absent of dread, waiting.  Upon refreshing my browser I discovered that Christopher Hitchens succumbed to cancer only several hours prior.

As a longtime follower and admirer of his work, I knew about the disease.  He never shied away from discussing his illness– or the fact that it was aggressive, terminal, and time was limited.  His last article for Vanity Fair can be found here.

Most knew of Hitchens’ aversion to the concept of a higher power [God Is Not Great:  How Religion Poisons Everything]….but what a narrow definition of such a complex and multifaceted person.  “A brilliant wit, matchless rhetorician, and masterful critic” says Graydon Carter of Vanity Fair.

One day I will attempt to articulate how the writings of Christopher Hitchens impacted my life.  Tonight I will use the words of others to speak for me.

On assignment for Vanity Fair

Graydon Carter’s poignant tribute to his dear friendpaints a clearer portrait of who this man was and the things for which he stood.

No one stood more diametrically opposed to Hitchens than his own brother, Peter Hitchens, also an author [and a conservative Christian].  Read his perspective regarding his late brother’s courage.

Unlike the previous two eulogies, Richard Dawkins embraces Hitchens’ atheism.  Let not his religious preferences [or lack thereof] sour you to his other ideas.  A hallmark of solid faith involves the ability to be comfortable with the ‘opposition’ expressing their beliefs and– in my personal opinion– that individuals can agree to disagree and still having meaningful interactions with the power to inform and educate both parties.

Godspeed, Hitch.  Your words are immortal.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

8 years

08 Jul 2011 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in * R. i. P. *, Adam Sontag, Death

That face made me melt every time

My darling Adam,

Eight years ago you left me so unexpectedly. Has it really been that long? Almost a decade….god, I wish I had more to show for it, though I know I have accomplished so much and you would be proud. More often than not I feel as though I am stuck in limbo, present but not really here. I’m content with my life but nowhere near where I envisioned myself at this point in time. It never gets any easier. Time doesn’t heal all wounds but I suppose it offers a coping mechanism as you learn to go through the motions of existing without a piece of your heart.

Loving me is no easy task. You were the first– and the last– to experience me in my purest form. After you left I became bitter, angry, cynical, and lost. My innocence died when you did. I find myself comparing everyone to you, be it a friend, lover, or coworker. Far too many people in this world are forgettable and unoriginal. Adam Sontag, you were 110% unique. There will never be anyone like you.

While I’m not religious and my thoughts regarding an afterlife vacillate daily, it comforts me to think that you can see me and are paying attention. So if that’s the case you know between my pregnancy, the lack of justice for Caylee Anthony, and my general state of mind I’m not feeling my best. However, this year has been monumental for me in the sense that I finally stopped blaming myself for your loss. For the longest time I found every reason I could to make this tragedy my fault, mainly because I demanded you visit me for summer school. And this year I let it go.

Those boys....

Today your mom left a comment on Facebook: “I know he loved you so much. The first time I saw you with him was when you came to Arkansas and he was so happy.” It breaks my heart that was the only family event we did with your side. Because we were slated to have world’s longest engagement [a ring and proposal before college and a wedding after graduation] I assumed we’d have plenty of time in the future. Time just wasn’t on our side.

So many people miss you. Me. Your family and mine. Our parents. All of our friends. And especially your little brothers. They’re not boys anymore, but men. I know you’re proud of them…..they miss you terribly. Everything happens for a reason? Yeah right. We’re still waiting for that one. Life can be so cruel and unfair.

I love you, Adam. Please understand why this was the first summer I was unable to visit your grave. Every day I look at your pictures and smile. You gave me some of the best times of my life and it is an honor for my firstborn to be your namesake. It is my greatest hope that we’ll cross paths again when I leave this planet because I’d want nothing more than to see that wonderful smile and be greeted with a hug and a ‘hey baby.’

7/3/03 - our last photo together


With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane

Chidiock Tichborne

08 Jul 2011 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in Death, Poetry

Throughout my many years of blogging, I know I’ve shared this poem at least twice, possibly more. It falls in my ‘top ten’ list of poetry and sends chills down my spine whenever I read it. Emotionally I’m spent….I’m not even going to attempt to articulate why these words mean so much to me so I’m going to borrow from Slate writer Robert Pinsky:

“This poem was apparently written in the Tower of London by the imprisoned Chidiock Tichborne (1558-1586), a young Catholic conspirator against Queen Elizabeth, the night before he was executed. Whether this account is true or not, whoever wrote the poem achieved an amazing force of plainness. The poem shows how powerful unadorned language can be and what genius it takes to give such language emotional bite. Tremendous feeling is generated by the directness, the straightforward hammering of repeated formula and refrain, above all the plainness of language: Except for the contestable exception “fall’n,” the poem is written entirely in words of one syllable! It feels as if the poet has no time for anything but stark truth—and that feeling is attained by writing so artful that it seems nearly artless.”

“Tichborne’s Elegy”

Written with his own hand in the tower
before his execution

My prime of youth is but a frost of cares,
My feast of joy is but a dish of pain,
My crop of corn is but a field of tares,
And all my good is but vain hope of gain;
The day is past, and yet I saw no sun,
And now I live, and now my life is done.

My tale was heard and yet it was not told,
My fruit is fallen and yet my leaves are green,
My youth is spent and yet I am not old,
I saw the world and yet I was not seen;
My thread is cut and yet it is not spun,
And now I live, and now my life is done.

I sought my death and found it in my womb,
I looked for life and saw it was a shade,
I trod the earth and knew it was my tomb,
And now I die, and now I was but made:
My glass is full, and now my glass is run,
And now I live, and now my life is done.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane

“The Dead” & “Don’t Fear Death”

08 Jul 2011 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in Authors, Death, Poetry, Sylvia Plath

Sylvia Plath

Revolving in oval loops of solar speed,
Couched in cauls of clay as in holy robes,
Dead men render love and war no heed,
Lulled in the ample womb of the full-tilt globe.

No spiritual Caesars are these dead;
They want no proud paternal kingdom come;
And when at last they blunder into bed
World-wrecked, they seek only oblivion.

Rolled round with goodly loam and cradled deep,
These bone shanks will not wake immaculate
To trumpet-toppling dawn of doomstruck day :
They loll forever in colossal sleep;
Nor can God’s stern, shocked angels cry them up
From their fond, final, infamous decay.

Aleksandr Blok

Don’t fear death in earthly travels.
Don’t fear enemies or friends.
Just listen to the words of prayers,
To pass the facets of the dreads.

Your death will come to you, and never
You shall be, else, a slave of life,
Just waiting for a dawn’s favor,
From nights of poverty and strife.

She’ll build with you a common law,
One will of the Eternal Reign.
And you are not condemned to slow
And everlasting deadly pain.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane