Fair and balanced

04 Mar 2013 Leave a Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in Ambition, Blessings, California, Courage, Family, Hobbies, Humor, Love, Motherhood, Sloane, Support, Uncategorized, Winning

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I refuse to let ‘California’ define our family. Rising above this unfair and inaccurate portrayal is central to the recovery mission. Does it consume me? Absolutely. Are my children feeling the effects if it? You betcha. Is it a safe assumption to say I’m enraged? Don’t even get me started.

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Cambria, CA • March 2012

To make Cocktails With Hemingway a permanent, highly visible documentation of our family’s Dark Ages is not only counterproductive to my mission– but a disservice to my kids, myself, and the numerous supporters we have during this trying time. By the same token it is my blog; thus, it is an extension of who I am and my need to express myself through writing. Authenticity is imperative. Yet maintaining a sense of balances proves equally important.

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Look at me surrounded by bluebirds! [Atascadero • February 2013]

Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact I laugh often and never fail to see the humor in any situation. I count my blessings daily and try to stay positive. Miraculously, I still believe in the inherent good of people.
Learning occupies most of my time here, particularly language and geology. I know enough Spanish to have basic conversations and ask questions. Fulfilling a lifelong dream, I have commenced my study of Russian and the Cyrillic alphabet. Not only is my rock collection impressive, I’m about to launch my foray into rock tumbling– and even make my own tumbler! Hours of research and meticulous preparation earned me a PhD in geology. Never mind the fact that my ‘university’ involves a Google/iPhone app curriculum hybrid. ;)

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A sampling of my geological finds

CWS does not dominate my conversations. Despite the severity of my depression, that smile you see on my face isn’t fake. I’m not sulking about as I quote Nietzsche or channeling my rage into a radical plot to overthrow the government. The very fact that I’ve managed to make productive use of my time [while retaining my sanity nonetheless] serves as a testament to the power of love, family, courage, strength, and resiliency.

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I sure as hell haven’t lost my fire. Pain may have snuffed out the flame– temporarily– but there are countless ways to ignite the spark.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane

Hotel California

14 Mar 2012 1 Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in Activism, Adam, Anger, Anxiety, Changes, Courage, Depression, Motherhood, My Humble Oasis, Outrage, Parenting, Paso Robles, Single mama, Tatum

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My Christmas tree remains standing, fully decorated with presents unopened. It will not come down until Adam comes home. Whenever that may be….

Nothing says ‘welcome home’ like my internet from Charter not connecting. Praise God for my new iPhone [thank you, Mom & Dad, for your loyal patronage to AT&T that enabled this 99 cent purchase!] so I have an outlet for all that’s on my mind. My thoughts are so jumbled I don’t even know where to begin.

Yesterday at noon I boarded a plane in Memphis. After stops in Houston and San Francisco [worthy of its own post] I finally arrived in San Luis Obispo. Upon walking into my apartment everything felt surreal. Like some sort of deja vu time warp. I always imagined this moment as Adam eagerly flinging the door open and skipping into the living room as I bring a swaddled Tatum into our cozy home. Instead, my infant daughter is 2500 miles away, the state has custody of my son, and I am more alone than I’ve ever been.

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The overwhelming pain of losing one child to the system is surpassed only by losing two children to the system. I had to sacrifice my son to save my daughter. Can you even imagine such an impossible, heartbreaking choice? I must save my strength to keep fighting for Adam. Tatum is safe, that thought so comforts me. Yet we are in three separate households and that is unacceptable. As a mother this is absolute agony. Here I am without either Adam or Tatum. One is five minutes away, the other on the opposite side of the country, but both feel beyond my reach. Pictures and phone calls barely sustain me.

God, hear my prayers. Give Adam comfort as his confused mind does not understand my absence. Let Tatum continue to flourish…despite me leaving her merely three weeks after her birth. Help Mom & Dad continue to provide her with the best possible care. Allow me the strength, courage, and faith to navigate the nightmare. Please reunite my family soon.

It should come as no surprise that the organization who shall not be named is punishing me for my decision to protect Tatum…they are dangling the threat of starting the parenting plan all over again. How much more can they destroy our family? Will this ever end? All I want to do now is resume work at the church, get a second job in retail, continue to advocate for my family– and be the best absentee mom I can possibly be.

Even if I could type a million words a minute I wouldn’t come close to saying everything that needs to be said. There are so many people in both Memphis and California I need to thank– Mom & Dad, Brandi, and Theresa especially though that’s just the short list– but that will be a joyous entry created when I have full laptop capabilities.

For now I sit in an apartment far too big for me. Alone. Completely alone. All of the company in the world couldn’t fill the void in my heart. I would do anything for my kids to be in my arms. Adam and Tatum, Mommy loves you so much.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,
Sloane

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Grayson James Walker

15 Feb 2012 1 Comment

by Cocktails With Hemingway in Bebehs, Blessings, Courage, Faith, Family, Heroes, Kids, Miracles, Religion, Spirituality, Support, Three F's

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart.” -  Jeremiah 1:5

My doctor’s appointment did not go well this morning.  I received some upsetting– though not unexpected news– regarding my health.  Everything is perfectly fine with Tatum, though today’s developments could alter her due date.  Forgive me for being vague but that’s all I choose to reveal right now.  I don’t think anyone could blame me for being despondent or even panicked.  Yet above all else I felt….bummed.  Reality isn’t something I’m trying to avoid nor am I minimizing a potentially serious situation.  Instead I am humbled, knowing that my troubles pale in comparison to another family’s on this gloomy morning.

Heather Walker gives birth to her son Grayson James today.  Diagnosed with anencephaly [a neural tube defect] during a routine ultrasound, the devastating reality is that her precious child will most likely go to Heaven very shortly after he is born.  While I do not know the Walkers personally, we have many mutual friends, and I have been following her blog as she chronicles her family’s journey.  Virtually all pregnant women carrying a child with this condition choose to terminate their pregnancy.  Very few people would have faulted her had she made the same decision.  However, that choice was never an option for her….and she never wavered in her commitment to carry Grayson to term.

I cannot think of a woman– a family– who more fully embodies what it means to believe in something greater than yourself.  They are devout Christians who know that God has a plan for them and Grayson.  They accept this plan.  They trust in this plan.  Whatever your religious and/or spiritual path, how can you not be inspired by their courage and conviction in their beliefs?  The love and light exuded by this family is a miracle in and of itself.  It’s entirely too easy to go to church, say a prayer, thank your Higher Power when the sailing is smooth.  What you do while navigating the rough and stormy waters serves as the testament for your convictions.  I am completely in awe of Heather and wish I could have even a fraction of her bravery, strength, and faith.  By being the woman she is and sharing her story, so many lives have been touched.

How truly blessed I am to have two children in good health who haven’t had any prenatal distress or medical conditions.  While Tatum hasn’t arrived yet, there is nothing to indicate that she will be anything less than healthy.  I’ll give birth, recuperate for a few days, then go home with my infant daughter swaddled in my arms.  Though we’re all praying for a miracle….Heather probably will not have the opportunity to take her son in her arms, yet she is comforted by the fact that he will be in the arms of Jesus.  Her unshakable faith takes my breath away.

Please pray for this incredible family today and in the days and weeks following.  If prayer is not something that resonates with you personally….send them healing energy.  Have a moment of silence.  Meditate.  Light a candle.  Uplift another human being.  Help somebody who is suffering.

After spending 8 hours with his loving family, Grayson went peacefully at 5:57pm CST.

With infinite love, gratitude, and respect,

Sloane